This time last year, I remember comforting myself with the thought that by this Christmas therapy would be done. I was wrong, nineteen months in and we are not done. I have come far though, I know I have changed, I know I am stronger.
I finished another journal last night, I spent a little time reading back through it, I ended up reading through April’s entries particularly. April has always been a difficult month, with an Anniversary of the most physically traumatic night of my life. I disclosed that incident to my T during April this year. My pain and anguish was evident in my journal’s entries, but it has made me realise how far I have come. I am not over it, I’m not sure anyone could ever get over something that horrible, I closed my eyes and winced in pain when I came to my journal entry that detailed part of what “he” did to me that awful night. But it was pain, not trauma. That is progress.
With what is going on for me right now, I think it was particularly helpful to read those April entries last night, or at least it has given me some hope. I’m struggling with a recent anniversary at the moment. I completely ignored it, pretended it hadn’t happened and hoped it would go away. With that and the trust/ fear issues I have had, it’s no wonder I am having so many nightmares and hyper vigilance. I ignored the nightmares and hyper vigilance, until the body memories started and I could ignore no longer. I don’t think I have ever become used to anniversaries but I have been better at dealing with them, ignoring is not dealing. I understand now why it’s been so hard for me lately.
Classic me, would be to beat myself up for ignoring the anniversary and making things worse for myself, but I won’t and I am not. Not only was I was having a rough time with trust and fear issues but anniversaries that have never been talked through are always more difficult. I’m in pain, I’m traumatised by what was done that day and I haven’t processed it (nor do I want to right now). I think it’s OK that I tried to make it go away, I think it’s OK that my only way of coping was to suppress and ignore.
I will not be seeing my Therapist now until the New Year, I won’t be disclosing/ talking/ processing this particular anniversary for a while. Even if I had therapy this week, I don’t think I want to or I’m ready. So it’s about getting through Christmas without ignoring how I feel and what memories are getting to me, while at the same time containing those memories, because I do not have the safe outlet my T provides for a few weeks. It won’t be easy, but I do feel better now I have more of an understanding of why and what is going on.
I am aiming for a low stress and quiet few weeks and hoping for plenty of grounded moments, so I can enjoy some of the Christmas/ New Year holiday with my husband and beautiful boys. And I am fairly confident that this time next year, therapy will either be over or almost there at least. That is a good thought to hold on to.