This time last week, I had just spent an hour crying down the phone to a stranger. I thought it was worth noting that I feel a whole lot better than I did last week. I’m not the wreck I was last Thursday, I’m a whole lot calmer and right now, grounded.
My boys are playing beautifully, work was quiet and relaxed and I managed to sleep without a nightmare last night, first night in well over a week (Yay!!!). I’m also feeling better physically. I’ve been fighting some virus for about a week now, which has made me pretty miserable. To be honest, with that and the lack of sleep/ nightmares and hyper vigilance, I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself (embarrassed smiley) and incredibly grumpy. Today is the first day I can talk without pain and apart from a slight cold, I think I’m better.. woop. I am certainly less grumpy, I am sure my husband and children are relieved.
Tomorrow I have the day off work, I had planned to leave the baby in childcare (big boy in school) but my husband is now going to be out for the day with work-a couple of hours drive away all day (he normally works at home). I’m feeling apprehensive about it, well perhaps more a little fearful than apprehensive. I’m worried about my ability to handle both my children alone (mostly after school) tomorrow. When I am having symptoms, I know my husband can take over at any point as he’s almost always home. That safety net is really valuable to me right now. Also, I am more on edge generally due to the time of year, recent hyper vigilance etc. A combination of those things and I made the decision to keep my baby at home with me. It means two less journeys out of the house, it also means I won’t be home alone. Which sounds ridiculous right? How does having a toddler with me make things any better? I don’t know that it will, I just know I don’t want to be alone at all at the moment.
So, tomorrow is week one of no therapy and yet it seems I still have a challenge to face (home alone and handling the responsibility of children with no back up). I’m annoyed, I was really hoping to wake on a Friday for once, without feeling apprehensive, nervous or scared. I was really looking forward to no work, no children, just time at home, with my lovely husband close by. I was looking forward to no stress that work and children can bring and no anxiety that therapy can bring- I hoped to do “normal” stuff that every other parent (mother more likely 😉 ) is doing this time of year. I wanted to do the things I used to do this time of year. I just wanted to feel “normal” for once.
I really had way too much set on tomorrow, I put pressure on myself I guess. And now it’s not working out the way I want and it upsets me. My husband often (gently) tells me not to plan so much, because when things don’t go to plan I feel sad/ angry or whatever… He’s right, of course.Well, I guess, whether it’s therapy or a day alone, it really makes no difference, I will handle it. I will find a way through because that’s what I do. I’m confident in that at least.
A break some time soon would be good though, some “normality” perhaps? Some kinda down time at some point? I don’t need gifts, I don’t want or need to drink or stuff myself silly, I just want some of what I used to have- not the denial for sure, but some feelings of normal, some of the old me that I’ve had glimpses of over the last 6 months…