Home » My Journey » Hate and Love.

Hate and Love.

There’s so much contained inside right now that I feel as if I may burst, but I couldn’t express it today, I couldn’t let go. Every time I feel that pain I am filled with hate and I burn with rage.

I don’t want to do this, I don’t want this. How do I deal with this? I want Christmas back, that energy, those moments of peace. I want to feel alive again, not just exist.  I wrote this when I got home from T:

I won’t remember you this way, you are not a person, you are not the same as me, or anyone I know. You are the monster, you are not real, you were never real. I don’t want to see you, or to remember the way you looked, I don’t want to recall the attraction. You must remain the monster, a monster without a face, you must. You have to.

You ruined every moment of us that I held dear, every treasured memory has been tainted and for that I am grateful. I don’t want to remember you fondly, I don’t want to remember any good within you, only the bad.  It has to be that black and white, it just has to.

Your manipulation and your control is all I want to see in those many embraces and all the tender kisses I cannot scrub from my memory. I want to see your dominance and hold over me while I remember how you groomed me into loving you. And when I am hit by flashes of your scent, or I feel your touch upon me, nothing but fear and horror is acceptable. I will not miss you or find any comfort, I will not mourn for the loss, or grieve for what was. I cannot accept that conflict goes on within me because the you I loved did not exist, it was never true and it was never right.  I reject the feelings of loss, I reject the grief and I reject the heartbreak.

When I choose, I will cry over what you did and all that horrific abuse, I may cry for the loss and for the ideal, but I will not grieve for you. You will not have my tears, not over this, not for you. I will not let go, I will not cry over “our love”. You are not deserving of my tears or any more of my pain. You deserve hate, you deserve my rage, all of it, every bit of it focused on you, the real you, the monster.

 

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4 thoughts on “Hate and Love.

  1. I was the you that you are at this very moment. I was the hate, the anger, the rage. So filled with it that it would have have easily turned deadly. The person that this was all directed at had sexualy abused and raped me for seventeen years (17). I suffured in total silence until around 42 years old. I was not willing to spend my life in prison to get even. I did not want to live my life being riped apart on the inside with all the hate, anger and rage. It took me a while but with help I was finnally able to answer a simple question.
    Has all of your hate, all of your anger or allof your rage had any effect on anyone other than yourself? Mine never did. In fact my abusers life was just fine from what the outside looked like.
    Look to the future. It is the onlything we can hope to change

    • Hey, thank you for your comment. I think the rage, hate and anger is a necessary step in healing. It’s not always something I have accepted. But it’s getting in the way and I know that now. I’m not sure how ready I am for the pain beneath it, but it’ll come, that I am sure of.

      Thank you for sharing that question. I will come back to it.

      • It is very hard to get through and even harder to realize it is a step that we alone can take the first step into. The part that helped me was knowing that i , ME , I WAS GOING TO DETERMINE MY FUTURE. It would never ever be decided by my past again. That is the power of that one small first step. I will help if you need it any time of the day or night. You are never alone…….

      • Thank you. I’ve been in therapy over 18 months now and I’ve made massive changes. It took a long time to disclose and I still have more to tell, but I’m starting to face feelings now, which is hard, but definitely necessary.

        I certainly feel as if it’s me changing my future, therapy is hell, but my life has already changed dramatically and those changes are down to me. I know I will be OK, but I also know there’s still a way to go.

        Thank you, it helps to know I am not alone. WordPress blogging has really opened my eyes to the support out there. I am so sorry so many people have been abused too, but also grateful to have their support and encouragement. I thank you for yours.

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