Day 2 of feeling pretty bad. Yesterday a flashback first thing and body memories afterwards. Then, understandably I suppose, I had a nightmare last night and another early this morning. I’m hyper vigilant and feeling sore, I don’t know if it’s from body memories or sore from being so tense while I slept, either way it’s not helping things.
I hate feeling like this. It’s been no walk in the park dealing with pain and hurt, but it makes me feel better in a way too. Today, there’s no room for that, I’m grounding and trying to soothe myself through the hyper vigilance. I am also battling with anger. I am angry that I feel this way again, two days in a row- that was so normal just a couple of months ago, but I thought I’d left that behind- at least for now, at least while we are not doing “trauma work”.
I know it’s probably normal and to be expected, I think somewhere in there this is probably a sign of progress, perhaps a sign of things we’ve been dealing with lately beginning to click into place. I wish I was seeing my T this week, so he could help me find that progress, so I can see that the way I feel right now is actually worth it.
I feel like I’m relying on my T like I did when I first started therapy, while now I am more able to contain the trauma side of things, I’m new to this whole feeling what I feel thing, add in trauma/ symptoms on top and I feel like I need his guidance more than ever. Is that normal? In a way it feels as if I’m going backwards, I want to be less dependent on him, not more…