Day 2 of feeling pretty bad. Yesterday a flashback first thing and body memories afterwards. Then, understandably I suppose, I had a nightmare last night and another early this morning. I’m hyper vigilant and feeling sore, I don’t know if it’s from body memories or sore from being so tense while I slept, either way it’s not helping things.
I hate feeling like this. It’s been no walk in the park dealing with pain and hurt, but it makes me feel better in a way too. Today, there’s no room for that, I’m grounding and trying to soothe myself through the hyper vigilance. I am also battling with anger. I am angry that I feel this way again, two days in a row- that was so normal just a couple of months ago, but I thought I’d left that behind- at least for now, at least while we are not doing “trauma work”.
I know it’s probably normal and to be expected, I think somewhere in there this is probably a sign of progress, perhaps a sign of things we’ve been dealing with lately beginning to click into place. I wish I was seeing my T this week, so he could help me find that progress, so I can see that the way I feel right now is actually worth it.
I feel like I’m relying on my T like I did when I first started therapy, while now I am more able to contain the trauma side of things, I’m new to this whole feeling what I feel thing, add in trauma/ symptoms on top and I feel like I need his guidance more than ever. Is that normal? In a way it feels as if I’m going backwards, I want to be less dependent on him, not more…
Shedding Light on Darkness 
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I believe it’s progress as well. I’m sure your T would say exactly what you think he’d say…that has to be progress, right?
Thank you for your comment. Yes progress, I think it must be, I’ve some ideas why, but not sure I want to go there alone. I’ll contain until my T session next week.
Thank you again for your support. x
First of all great big reasuring hugs. Second, its ok to be concerned when you start feeling something new. For me the physical pain memories that are as real now as they where then was hard to deal with. Its not much different than the mental pain memories hold. It is your body or brain remembering what had been being hidden for so long and by working on getting healed it wakes up all that crap that our self inside tried to protect us from. Now we are getting better and it is letting go of some of our “ghost and deamons” as I call mine. So go ahead and feach out to your T or anyone you feel comfortable with and trust. I know how hard the trust word is that’s why I say it. Remember to look at where you stated and how far you have come. Yes it is a step forward and a few back at times but do not let that hold you chained to your past because it will try and drag you back. I know how exhausting the fight is but it is a fight for control of your future. I piss some people off with this part but I’ll say it and I pray you hear it for how intend it. Turn to your faith if you have it and if you don’t try and see if you can start to look for it. I was abused by a staff member at my church starting at nine years old. I know how hard faith can be to turn to or to try and find. Our lives are under constant attack by satan, ( I know the look you might have ) and he not God is who brought this pain into yours and mine and far to many others lives. He is a dirty son-of -a-bitch that wants us to blame God for doi g this to us, but God did not do this. I wish I could say you will go through this and it will forever be gone. I won’t lie. I still have unexpected triggers even this far out. But dealing with them is easier. I assign little importance to them. Deal with them. Then tell them to screw themselve and move forward. Keep moving forward even if it is by crawling instead of steps. Tell the memories and pain, screw you, I’M STRONGER THAN YOU.
LUV YA, David
Thank you for your comment- for your words. And I have no problem with you referring to God or Faith. I believe in God.
Thank you for your reassurance with regards to the body memories, it’s helpful to know others have been there (though I wish you didn’t know this pain too). I’m doing better than I used to, I know I’m moving forward, but it’s really hard to keep at it sometimes, like a long hard slog.
Thank you for your understanding.