Home » My Journey » Moaning, complaining- tired.

Moaning, complaining- tired.

The more I move forward, the more I feel like me. Yet, each and every time we uncover a memory, I feel I’m back to a struggle within myself again. Wondering who I am? And whether other people see the real me?

As I grounded from a flashback at work today, I found myself wondering (again) if anyone knew? Am I transparent? Can they see my thoughts, that sick, disturbing memory that hit me? Or perhaps they see the fight within me as I battle to regain control? And then another familiar thought struck me… what if those around me right now knew the truth of my past? In particular the current issue at hand? How would they react?

Shock and disbelief, I expect? Because that’s what I feel. I have always known, but I’ve never understood. Now it’s out in front of me, it seems so much bigger somehow.

On Friday, in my session, it was if it were moving within those walls, bouncing from one side to the other, it couldn’t be ignored. Yet, I still couldn’t believe it and almost a week on, it’s still the same. The embarrassment and shame, it really does remain.

I wasn’t embarrassed when I told my T, or when I told again yesterday, but since the doubts creep in, whenever I am alone. Intellectually, I know, this is not my shame, but yet somewhere inside that feeling still exists.

It’s a common theme throughout, one I know I’ll have to face time and time again. I cannot help it, it’s not something I can control. I don’t want to be judged, yet I know I judge myself. I am ashamed of what I told. I’m ashamed that was ever me. I wish I could just let go.

I want to erase what was, scrub it from my mind. I don’t want to keep on facing this. It all seems so.. (and I hate saying this) but unfair. I lived it once, I’ve done it, I don’t want to go there again. I hate him for doing this to me, I hate him for everything.

So, can I have a “stamp my feet, it’s not fair” moment please? One where I don’t have to be strong?

I am so damn tired of it all right now. The pain, the anger, the shame, the embarrassment. I’m sick of needing my T so much, tired of being a burden on those helping me. I want it done, over with, or I want to run away.

I cannot stop the tears right now.. and I know that’s probably alright….(?)

 

 

Now that moment is over, I’ll pick myself. I’ll go back to my mothering duties and tomorrow I’ll face my demons again.

A hug would be nice. 😦

 

 

 

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Moaning, complaining- tired.

  1. it’s definitely alright to let the tears flow..it’s a release..a step of healing….i also think having a feet stomping moment is “allowed” 🙂 praying for you!!

  2. If I could take away your pain, by making it my own, I would do so, without a second thought. – sending a big hug too xxxxxxxxxxx

  3. I so get what u talking about it ..stamp ur feet shout unfair it is …
    Reality on the other side u incredibly strong for dealing with it ..and as much as u hate needing ur t , , that’ s ok to !

    I often thought what would people think if they new what I go through well healing regular days off sick etc quite honestly show me someone who doesn’t carry stuff ..its that judging that bothers me …but hopefully ill be stronger to help others to!

    Sending lots of lov and hugs lisa

  4. A big hug from me too. You ask what those around you would think. Ask yourself what you would think of them if they were in your position at some point (God forbid).
    Unconditional love. It’s what it says on the tin.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s