The more I move forward, the more I feel like me. Yet, each and every time we uncover a memory, I feel I’m back to a struggle within myself again. Wondering who I am? And whether other people see the real me?
As I grounded from a flashback at work today, I found myself wondering (again) if anyone knew? Am I transparent? Can they see my thoughts, that sick, disturbing memory that hit me? Or perhaps they see the fight within me as I battle to regain control? And then another familiar thought struck me… what if those around me right now knew the truth of my past? In particular the current issue at hand? How would they react?
Shock and disbelief, I expect? Because that’s what I feel. I have always known, but I’ve never understood. Now it’s out in front of me, it seems so much bigger somehow.
On Friday, in my session, it was if it were moving within those walls, bouncing from one side to the other, it couldn’t be ignored. Yet, I still couldn’t believe it and almost a week on, it’s still the same. The embarrassment and shame, it really does remain.
I wasn’t embarrassed when I told my T, or when I told again yesterday, but since the doubts creep in, whenever I am alone. Intellectually, I know, this is not my shame, but yet somewhere inside that feeling still exists.
It’s a common theme throughout, one I know I’ll have to face time and time again. I cannot help it, it’s not something I can control. I don’t want to be judged, yet I know I judge myself. I am ashamed of what I told. I’m ashamed that was ever me. I wish I could just let go.
I want to erase what was, scrub it from my mind. I don’t want to keep on facing this. It all seems so.. (and I hate saying this) but unfair. I lived it once, I’ve done it, I don’t want to go there again. I hate him for doing this to me, I hate him for everything.
So, can I have a “stamp my feet, it’s not fair” moment please? One where I don’t have to be strong?
I am so damn tired of it all right now. The pain, the anger, the shame, the embarrassment. I’m sick of needing my T so much, tired of being a burden on those helping me. I want it done, over with, or I want to run away.
I cannot stop the tears right now.. and I know that’s probably alright….(?)
Now that moment is over, I’ll pick myself. I’ll go back to my mothering duties and tomorrow I’ll face my demons again.
A hug would be nice. 😦