I’m not much of a drinker anymore. I don’t like the hangover, certain drinks and I find it hard to know when to stop.
I don’t like the way it loosens up my thoughts and for that matter, my tongue.
But tonight, I’m drinking wine and I must admit, I like the buzz.
I’ve been so hyper vigilant lately, which is worsened by drink, but today was the first day without that symptom. So partly, I am celebrating.
But mostly, I’m sore, I’ve body memories I cannot shake. I admit, I’m self medicating. I won’t get drunk, I doubt I’ll have more than one glass, but right now I need something, anything to stop the aching.
Therapy helped, my T is just so awesome, he helped me feel less of a freak. I shared some deep, dark thoughts that had me wondering if I were evil. My T didn’t change those dark thoughts, or change the way I was feeling, if anything they now seem cemented, but he has helped me feel a little better in my own skin. I still find myself questioning, but the session certainly helped. He told me I don’t need to justify, I’m entitled to feel and I’m entitled to think those things. He validated, he reassured and I left feeling a bit calmer.
But I woke sore today and I know what it is and the memory where it belongs. I’ve been fighting it for several weeks now.
Now, it seems it’s closer to the surface, wanting out and exploring. I don’t want to. I don’t. I’m not ready? I’m not done with where we are at right now. I wish this would all slow down. As much as I want it over, there’s only so much I can take. I can’t deal with that memory and the thoughts I shared yesterday together. I cannot deal with the memory when I’m still getting my head around the last one. I can’t handle that pain too, when I’m still exploring what I feel right now..
This is all so difficult, when I feel like this I want to give up. But what does that even mean? What alternative is there? I don’t know, but I hate this. I hate it.
These body memories are sickening. It’s probably one of the worst symptoms. I cannot seem to ground from it at all, I can’t make it go away.
I can’t explain how it feels to those who have never had them. It makes me sick, it makes me hate my own body, myself, all of it.
I’m rambling now, I know it. Dissociation kicking in.