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Judgement

 

 

Sometimes, I fear I am evil. Those thoughts, feelings, beliefs I hold, I have always feared that if I shared them, people would see that evil within me unfold.

On Friday I shared some of those with my T. He let me talk, he let me explore and he asked some questions, which allowed me to be sure of my feelings. I shared my fears of what other people would think if they knew. My T told me I was entitled to those thoughts and I couldn’t feel something other than what I feel. He told me my feelings were valid, he seemed to understand.

Those people in my life who really have no idea, or cannot comprehend my past, I fear they would never understand. I think, they would be shocked, I fear they would change their view of me. But I cannot help the way I feel and I am certain it will not change. So, it feels as if I am lying, hiding yet more of myself.

I struggle with that a lot, I want to be open, I want to feel able to be me. If I want to share the way I feel, or share those things that were done to me, I want to be free to do that as I want to. But how can I, when there’s so much judgement, from within me and (in my experience) from without.

 

I go through periods of praying a lot, reading my (new and beautiful) Bible, where I find I just cannot get enough. But when I’m being completely honest with myself -with my thoughts and my feelings, I find I cannot pray, or even look at that Bible.

When I’m being real, I am ashamed of myself and I get all defensive, assuming I will be judged. Then everything that was comforting me, is suddenly a trigger, even my normally much loved, devotion app. Any sort of teaching, feels like preaching because I’m so full of guilt and so laden with shame.

Right now, I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should and I feel guilty for feeling the things I do. I am ashamed of the thoughts I have and the way I feel about some of my past.

 

And if you knew, would you judge me, the way I judge myself?

 

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6 thoughts on “Judgement

  1. When my heart was so broken that I could not pray,
    When love wasn’t easy to see.
    Someone was there, somebody cared,
    Somebody prayed for me.

    Somebody went to the throne of heaven,
    Somebody lifted my name.
    Bringing me into His holy presence,
    Saying what I could not say.
    Somebody showed me the face of His mercy,
    When darkness was all I could see.
    Somebody pleaded the Blood of Jesus,
    Somebody prayed for me.

    There are lots of us praying for you…

  2. I just want you to know I would not judge you…I believe some people will judge others regardless of the situation…people look for a way to lessen others in order to feel better about themselves… As hard as it is to do, I honestly believe if we can push through the unworthiness and te self condemnation an cling to Jesus when all else feels like terrible pain, we will find healing in that. It’s not easy but you are a strong woman. You lived through hell and still battle it..you didn’t give in, you didn’t stop breathing…don’t give up, you’re not done yet!! ❤️

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