Sometimes, I fear I am evil. Those thoughts, feelings, beliefs I hold, I have always feared that if I shared them, people would see that evil within me unfold.
On Friday I shared some of those with my T. He let me talk, he let me explore and he asked some questions, which allowed me to be sure of my feelings. I shared my fears of what other people would think if they knew. My T told me I was entitled to those thoughts and I couldn’t feel something other than what I feel. He told me my feelings were valid, he seemed to understand.
Those people in my life who really have no idea, or cannot comprehend my past, I fear they would never understand. I think, they would be shocked, I fear they would change their view of me. But I cannot help the way I feel and I am certain it will not change. So, it feels as if I am lying, hiding yet more of myself.
I struggle with that a lot, I want to be open, I want to feel able to be me. If I want to share the way I feel, or share those things that were done to me, I want to be free to do that as I want to. But how can I, when there’s so much judgement, from within me and (in my experience) from without.
I go through periods of praying a lot, reading my (new and beautiful) Bible, where I find I just cannot get enough. But when I’m being completely honest with myself -with my thoughts and my feelings, I find I cannot pray, or even look at that Bible.
When I’m being real, I am ashamed of myself and I get all defensive, assuming I will be judged. Then everything that was comforting me, is suddenly a trigger, even my normally much loved, devotion app. Any sort of teaching, feels like preaching because I’m so full of guilt and so laden with shame.
Right now, I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should and I feel guilty for feeling the things I do. I am ashamed of the thoughts I have and the way I feel about some of my past.
And if you knew, would you judge me, the way I judge myself?