Home » My Journey » Being selfish? Hoping for a better day.

Being selfish? Hoping for a better day.

 

I am hoping for a better day today. The sun is shining and I slept six hours straight, so that’s already better than yesterday morning. I could do without the tantrums my toddler has been throwing this morning though..

I have to work soon, I really don’t want to. Normally, I love my job, even on the days I struggle to be there, but just lately, I’m not liking it at all.

I was in the office yesterday, listening to my colleagues discuss some of their personal problems. I nodded and I smiled and I reassured as I best I could, yet selfishly, all I could think of was me. I was angry that while I was fighting through body memories, dissociation and feeling like my heart was shattering, I had to hold it in and pretend I was OK.

I hate how taboo all this stuff is, so few would want to hear it. It’s not something you discuss, it’s not an acceptable topic.. Yet I hurt, I ache and I struggle daily, but whether I want to or not, I cannot just share it, not without caution, not without thinking clearly.  While I am doing better at being me, I still feel like I have to pretend a lot, for others and for myself. Work seems to highlight that.

My employer knows about the PTSD and that I am in therapy, but he sees me as so together and level headed. He also forgets a lot. Yesterday, he asked me to do something, I had previously told him triggered my PTSD. So, I had to go through the stress and even embarrassment to remind him. I don’t expect him to remember everything I’ve said, but it’s so difficult having to remind people when they do forget.

I find myself not caring about my job; part of what I do is problem solving. I deal with the issues that crop up after each order is processed. It can be quite a pressured environment as my employer has high standards of customer service. Just lately, I couldn’t care less. I feel selfish, because all I think of is me. It’s just in the grand scheme of things, the problems at work seem so trivial, they seem like nothing. The reality of my past is hitting me daily and each time it’s a huge shock. So, I find myself thinking, “I don’t care that this order may be a day late, because, I was raped, RAPED” and then I pull myself together and get on with what I have to do. I guess this is about acceptance and probably part of the process. I don’t like it though. Not caring, isn’t me.

 

So, I hope today will be different, I hope work will help, I hope I can care again and think a little less of myself.

 

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4 thoughts on “Being selfish? Hoping for a better day.

  1. I hope today will be different for you too. Accepting the past for what it is and securing the fact that you can’t change it is the hardest part of moving forward and reclaiming life because the mindset of society teaches judgement and shame like it’s different than getting mugged on a downtown street. A crime is a crime and they both leave wounds that take time to heal. I found out real quick who my friends were and learned the hearts of people by answering them honestly and speaking what was on my heart and my mind. I would tell them, “I was raped and ……….”. They would either stick around and help me to heal or they would remove themselves from my presence \ life, which either way, it was the best thing for my healing because part of healing from a tramatic event is talking about it, talking about it to gain understanding, wisdom and peace. Keep talking, Keep healing, keep sorting out the people in your life, you’ll be better for it, my friend. Find your happiness and claim it!

    • Wow, thank you so much for your reply. You are right, it’s about them not me. I can’t not be honest about who I am, if other’s don’t like it, then that’s problem. Easier said than done though. I agree, healing comes with talking. It’s all so very hard, but I know I am moving forward and I know it’s worth it.
      Thank you, today has been a little different, it’s already 5pm in the UK. I made it through work (just), and managed to enjoy a walk in the sun with my toddler, then some outdoor playing with both my children this evening. I feel wiped out now and incredibly sad, but it was a better day than yesterday and that’s something to hold on to.

      I’m so amazed by the support I’ve found on WP. It’s therapeutic to blog, but it’s also so helpful to read other experiences. It’s good to know I’m not alone.

      Thank you. x

  2. I feel your pain and understand your point. I too have lost the ability to ‘feel’ for others when all I can think is how I have it so much worse. Pity party? maybe self-centered-yes, according to my marriage counselor. But don’t I deserve a little ‘It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to’ attitude?

    The other day at work someone casually asked me ‘how are you doing?’ and I wanted to say-Well, I’m depressed and almost killed myself last week, but other than that I’m ok. Ha, could imagine?

    Anyways, I feel like I’m being tortured every day so, I’d say if you need to be a little selfish and take care of yourself for a while the you should.
    Hugs

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