I’m pretty much using this as a daily journal right now, I appreciate the support, the comments and the messages. It’s good to know I am not alone and especially helpful to have encouragement from those who are going through something similar or who have been there before.
This week is difficult. Yesterday was a little better, but not much. I’m struggling lots with one memory that I am so opposed to dealing with right now.
Yet, the more I ignore, the bigger it is getting. I am not ready- I don’t know how I can ever be ready. I don’t want to do it. I want to continue with where we are now. I am still trying to come to terms with that. I don’t need more on top of it.
I am sleeping some, but waking from nightmares most mornings. I am struggling with my children, when previously things had improved a lot. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my temper around them. I am hyper vigilant every morning and dissociate my way through work each day. I am having body memories on and off. It is affecting intimacy with my husband.
All of those things are the signs of a memory that needs out. I have been here over and over, I know that getting it out is the only way to restore some calm. But I don’t want to go through it. 😦 I am so angry and hurt.
I am still trying to deal with the judgement / shame I have for myself over the way I think and feel about the last disclosure. Heck, I am still trying to get my head around that it even happened. I need more time and space. I don’t want another memory on top. I am not ready, I am just not ready.
I know it helps to talk, it helps to get it out, but sometimes it feels like the more I tell, the bigger it all gets. I can’t believe all this, I can’t believe this was my life. I seem so together, I have everything I always wanted, how on earth can I have been a victim of that abuse?
The more I tell my T, the less I can deny- sure that’s what I want for healing, but it’s just getting so huge. I can’t deal with this, I can’t. It’s all too much. I want to give up, I want to say “Fuck this, I am done.” Because, I’ve had enough. It hurts and I want out.
But there’s no quick exit, no escape route. The only way is through.
Giving up would mean he wins, right?
I know the answer. I know what’s best. I know what I have to do.
I hate this so much.