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Crappy week

I’m pretty much using this as a daily journal right now, I appreciate the support, the comments and the messages. It’s good to know I am not alone and especially helpful to have encouragement from those who are going through something similar or who have been there before.

 

This week is difficult. Yesterday was a little better, but not much. I’m struggling lots with one memory that I am so opposed to dealing with right now.

Yet, the more I ignore, the bigger it is getting. I am not ready- I don’t know how I can ever be ready. I don’t want to do it. I want to continue with where we are now. I am still trying to come to terms with that. I don’t need more on top of it.

 

I am sleeping some, but waking from nightmares most mornings. I am struggling with my children, when previously things had improved a lot. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my temper around them. I am hyper vigilant every morning and dissociate my way through work each day. I am having body memories on and off. It is affecting intimacy with my husband.

All of those things are the signs of a memory that needs out. I have been here over and over, I know that getting it out is the only way to restore some calm. But I don’t want to go through it. 😦 I am so angry and hurt.

I am still trying to deal with the judgement / shame I have for myself over the way I think and feel about the last disclosure. Heck, I am still trying to get my head around that it even happened. I need more time and space. I don’t want another memory on top. I am not ready, I am just not ready.

 

 

I know it helps to talk, it helps to get it out, but sometimes it feels like the more I tell, the bigger it all gets. I can’t believe all this, I can’t believe this was my life. I seem so together, I have everything I always wanted, how on earth can I have been a victim of that abuse?

The more I tell my T, the less I can deny- sure that’s what I want for healing, but it’s just getting so huge. I can’t deal with this, I can’t. It’s all too much. I want to give up, I want to say “Fuck this, I am done.” Because, I’ve had enough. It hurts and I want out.

But there’s no quick exit, no escape route.  The only way is through.

Giving up would mean he wins, right?

 

I know the answer. I know what’s best. I know what I have to do.

I hate this so much.

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Crappy week

  1. 😦 I feel for you…i wish i could take this all away for you…i wish i could heal you..but we know i can’t 😦 please know that through my day, everyday, you-who i don’t even know, are brought to my mind and i pray for you. i pray as often as i think of you. it’s not an easy road to be on. but you’re right, there’s only one way to go-forward. you CAN do this. it will get easier! you have love and support and as much as you want to throw the towel in you know in your heart you can’t…i will continue sending prayers your way ❤

    2 Corinthians 12:9-13
    The Message (MSG)
    7-10 Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

    My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
    My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

    Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

  2. I too understand from experience. I too struggle with giving up vs working through it. I am sorry I don’t have any advice or magic trick you both you and myself. But know I am here. I write often in detail about my daily struggle to cope. I think it helps to know there are others out there dealing with the same issues, however sad that is.
    hugs

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