I am done fighting it, done complaining, done feeling bad for myself. The decision is made, soon (tomorrow hopefully), I will tell my T the memory that has been bothering me.
It’s in the way and you know what? I’ve done such a great job containing it the last few weeks, it’s time to let go and let it out. I’ve done well, but I can’t keep it up indefinitely, who could? This is agony, it’s horrific, no wonder it’s been making me so ill.
I think it’s OK to look at this as being compassionate for myself. I deserve to let this memory out, I deserve to be free from this torture, I deserve to take another step forward, I deserve to heal.
I’m nervous, OK, scratch that. I’m terrified, seriously I am (given what I’ve survived, what a wuss, right?). I’m afraid that tomorrow will be the day, I’m afraid to let those words out, I’m afraid of the pain, I’m afraid of inevitable increase in symptoms. I’m afraid of the horror I may feel. I know it will cause body memories, I know I will feel as if it just happened. And unless you have been there, I don’t think I could begin to explain, the terror of feeling pain as if it were happening again.
I guess it’s OK that I am afraid.
I’m trying to think positively, trying to combat the anger and fear. I found myself just now thinking of some of the progress I have made. It’s all around me, in my every day life, changes that can be so easily overlooked. So as I sit here typing this, drinking tea on my favourite couch, I am looking around for those changes. There we go, there’s one right now. Earlier, I changed into PJs and right now I feel comfortable in them- huge progress.
What I wear has formed part of my security for so many years. I hated pjs, I felt dirty and vulnerable in them. I hated dresses and skirts for the same reason. While my clothing never changed the abuse (it isn’t like wearing jeans stopped him getting to me), dresses/ skirts provided easier access, at school, in town, whatever. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my jeans and long sleeves, I still change into them (if I’m not already) whenever I feel particularly bad. But for months now, I’ve enjoyed wearing skirts and dresses (with boots of course) to work, I’ve become increasingly comfortable wearing them, even alone out of the house.
PJs- well that’s been a long work in progress. I think pjs should make you feel warm and cuddly. They should give you lovely, comforting, feelings, making you feel relaxed and ready to sleep. But for me, whenever I wore them, I felt used and dirty.
Having been subjected to one of the most traumatic nights of my life; while wearing similar attire and forced to remain in that situation for hours after (when I was so desperate to shower and to change)- to reach a point where I no longer felt dirty wearing pjs, was a massive milestone. I am now beyond that. I have my moments, but mostly now I feel comfortable in my pjs.
A mini Mexican wave for me? At least a woohoo??
Tomorrow, is a scary thought, I am deeply afraid of what is to come, I will not downplay that, or pretend it is OK. Because it is a big deal and it is not OK. It is not OK that I ever went through it and it is not OK, that the after math hurts so much. But, I have come far, by doing exactly what I hope (intend?) to do tomorrow. Which is to tell what he did to me, to free myself from that secret and to allow myself the time and the space that I deserve to heal.