Home » My Journey » More disclosure?

More disclosure?

 

I am done fighting it, done complaining, done feeling bad for myself. The decision is made, soon (tomorrow hopefully), I will tell my T the memory that has been bothering me.

It’s in the way and you know what? I’ve done such a great job containing it the last few weeks, it’s time to let go and let it out. I’ve done well, but I can’t keep it up indefinitely, who could? This is agony, it’s horrific, no wonder it’s been making me so ill.

I think it’s OK to look at this as being compassionate for myself. I deserve to let this memory out, I deserve to be free from this torture, I deserve to take another step forward, I deserve to heal.

 

I’m nervous, OK, scratch that. I’m terrified, seriously I am (given what I’ve survived, what a wuss, right?). I’m afraid that tomorrow will be the day, I’m afraid to let those words out, I’m afraid of the pain, I’m afraid of inevitable increase in symptoms. I’m afraid of the horror I may feel. I know it will cause body memories, I know I will feel as if it just happened. And unless you have been there, I don’t think I could begin to explain, the terror of feeling pain as if it were happening again.

I guess it’s OK that I am afraid.

 

I’m trying to think positively, trying to combat the anger and fear. I found myself just now thinking of some of the progress I have made. It’s all around me, in my every day life, changes that can be so easily overlooked. So as I sit here typing this, drinking tea on my favourite couch, I am looking around for those changes. There we go, there’s one right now. Earlier, I changed into PJs and right now I feel comfortable in them- huge progress.

What I wear has formed part of my security for so many years. I hated pjs, I felt dirty and vulnerable in them. I hated dresses and skirts for the same reason. While my clothing never changed the abuse (it isn’t like wearing jeans stopped him getting to me), dresses/ skirts provided easier access, at school, in town, whatever. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my jeans and long sleeves, I still change into them (if I’m not already) whenever I feel particularly bad. But for months now, I’ve enjoyed wearing skirts and dresses (with boots of course) to work, I’ve become increasingly comfortable wearing them, even alone out of the house.

PJs- well that’s been a long work in progress. I think pjs should make you feel warm and cuddly. They should give you lovely, comforting, feelings, making you feel relaxed and ready to sleep. But for me, whenever I wore them, I felt used and dirty.

Having been subjected to one of the most traumatic nights of my life; while wearing similar attire and forced to remain in that situation for hours after (when I was so desperate to shower and to change)- to reach a point where I no longer felt dirty wearing pjs, was a massive milestone. I am now beyond that. I have my moments, but mostly now I feel comfortable in my pjs.

 

A mini Mexican wave for me? At least a woohoo??

 

Tomorrow, is a scary thought, I am deeply afraid of what is to come, I will not downplay that, or pretend it  is OK. Because it is a big deal and it is not OK. It is not OK that I ever went through it and it is not OK, that the after math hurts so much. But, I have come far, by doing exactly what I hope (intend?) to do tomorrow. Which is to tell what he did to me, to free myself from that secret and to allow myself the time and the space that I deserve to heal.

 

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13 thoughts on “More disclosure?

  1. You do deserve to have the time and space to heal, most definitely. And I completely understand you fear in disclosing these things – it’s so hard. Take care of yourself tomorrow (and in the run up to it). Thinking of you xx

  2. Hi, I hope it goes well for you tomorrow. You do deserve to let it go and not have to carry it around. It’s completely understandable and normal to be frightened but from my experience once it’s out it feels allot better. I hope it’s okay for me to leave a comment. I have only just started following your blog.

  3. I am praying for you today as you release this memory. I am proud of you for overcoming this beast! I am proud of you for working so hard and making such awesome progress! It’s hard, but you are doing it!! Smile and hug yourself because you deserve it. You are an overcomer! 🙂 ((Hugs)) I can’t wait to hear your victorious testimony that you will give after you conquer all these atrocious memories that have been holding you down! ❤

  4. I am in awe of you. You are so intelligent and strong, you will say it and it will hurt but it is a necessary step towards the freedom you desire.
    I have come to realize that my fear with the ‘telling’ part is that once I tell another about the disgusting events then it causes the memory to become real. I tried for many years to hold my breath, hold the memory down and never even whisper it. I thought that if I kept it to myself I would eventually forget and it would become nothing to me. It wouldn’t be able to hurt me it would become unreal. That didn’t work-surprise surprise.

    Post again to let us know how it went. hugs

    • Thank you. What you say sounds so familiar. I too have held it down for so long in the hopes I would forget. It’s so hard isn’t it? The only way forward is to let the poison out. I wish there were another way..

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