Is it my fault?
That is a question I’ve been asking myself often, for a very long time.
As therapy has progressed and I have moved forward, that question has continued to bother me from time time.
Each time there’s a new memory revealed, I find myself asking that question again. “Is it my fault?”.
Sometimes the weight behind it, is not what it was. I know the truth, intellectually at least. I know what my T would say, the argument against, the rationale.. however, the question continues to bother me, time and time again.
A new disclosure on Friday and it was horrible. It seems to get harder as I move forward. I feel more than ever before. I’m not simply telling a story- emotionally detached from the reality- I feel it now, every word I say. It was incredibly painful.
I couldn’t tell my T everything, it was too much to deal with in one session. I was in danger of reliving what I went through, so I purposefully left some of it for another time.
One of those things I left out is really bothering me (and I’m angry that it is already bothering me, can’t I get a break??). Among other things, it is leading me to that question again- Is it my fault?”.
I cannot really explain here because that would lead me to feeling exposed and vulnerable again and I’ve felt that enough the last few days. I do not wish to share the details of my abuse here, certainly not right now.
But I cannot shake it- is it my fault at least in some way? My own actions, participation- it’s not as simple as that I know. When is choice, not really choice? Willingness, not really willing?
I know I was groomed, trapped, coerced and forced. I often did what I had to just to survive. I don’t mean I believed I’d be killed if I didn’t, but it was for my own emotional survival. I did what I had to for my own sanity.
I guess I find the need to justify myself, I find myself trying to remember what my T has said when I have previously shared my feelings of guilt and fault. I need that reassurance right now. Because I cannot get out of my head that at least some of that particular day, was down to me-my fault.
I so don’t need this right now, I’m still trying to recover from my therapy session on Friday.