Trigger warning- swearing (I know some of you are triggered by swearing, please be careful).
I feel as if I’ve been living in a fog over the last few weeks, but on Sunday that fog lifted!
Since then, I’ve been trying to catch up a little. Job number one has been to contact friends and family who emailed, text and called during my few weeks of fog. I’ve also missed two birthdays I normally buy for and I haven’t written thank you cards to people who sent gifts for my son’s birthday last month. I guess I’ve been a little selfish the past few weeks.
I feel a bit overwhelmed, to be honest. While that “fog” has lifted, I’ve had a really rubbish day. The pressure of all those things I need to catch up on as well as the normal every day stuff I have to do and it feels a bit too much. I am so glad to be experiencing less symptoms, but I am not OK, not even close. Today, I had a flashback at work, I coped fine, I handled it, it’s not unusual, but it takes its toll.
And I hurt. I ache. I need to explore the way I feel, but I don’t want to. I want it to go away.
I’m a mum to two young children, I work part time and you know what? That’s enough. Enough, to keep me busy and to tire me out. All this other stuff on top- well it’s tough.
I love being a mother, I am happy to accept my duties of cleaning children, feeding children, nappy changing, constant battles over – well everything and repeating myself 300 times, to get them to listen. I am happy (well, OK, maybe not happy) to get up at night and administer medicine, or comfort a scared child and all the zillion other things I do for them. I am happy to work too, I like my job. I just wish that is all I had to focus on.I wish my past would leave me be.
All my posts have been kinda negative lately, I guess. I’m fed up, I’m pissed off, I’m angry. I’m mad at the world, I’m mad at God. I’m so done, with all of it.
I had to go through utter hell on Friday in order to relieve the symptoms that have been making me so ill. Yet, even though the symptoms have subsided, I still don’t get a break. How is that fair? How is any of this shit fair? I don’t want to do this anymore.
That emotional detachment that is supposed to be getting me through? Well, that’s not fucking working anymore. I am doing way too well and connecting to my feelings (which I am sure is something good and my T will piss me off smiling about it on Friday), but right now, that just fucks me off.
I feel like a big ball of angry, seething, rage.
So, I am angry. I suspect I need a release, but I am too much of a fucking wimp to write about what I am aware is underneath. So for now, it’s getting through until Friday.
I feel desperate to see my T right now.