Home » My Journey » Angry today.

Angry today.

Trigger warning- swearing (I know some of you are triggered by swearing, please be careful).

 

I feel as if I’ve been living in a fog over the last few weeks, but on Sunday that fog lifted!

Since then, I’ve been trying to catch up a little. Job number one has been to contact friends and family who emailed, text and called during my few weeks of fog. I’ve also missed two birthdays I normally buy for and I haven’t written thank you cards to people who sent gifts for my son’s birthday last month. I guess I’ve been a little selfish the past few weeks.

I feel a bit overwhelmed, to be honest. While that “fog” has lifted, I’ve had a really rubbish day. The pressure of all those things I need to catch up on as well as the normal every day stuff I have to do and it feels a bit too much. I am so glad to be experiencing less symptoms, but I am not OK, not even close. Today, I had a flashback at work, I coped fine, I handled it, it’s not unusual, but it takes its toll.

And I hurt. I ache. I need to explore the way I feel, but I don’t want to. I want it to go away.

 

 

I’m a mum to two young children, I work part time and you know what? That’s enough. Enough, to keep me busy and to tire me out. All this other stuff on top- well it’s tough.

I love being a mother, I am happy to accept my duties of cleaning children, feeding children, nappy changing, constant battles over – well everything and repeating myself 300 times, to get them to listen. I am happy (well, OK, maybe not happy) to get up at night and administer medicine, or comfort a scared child and all the zillion other things I do for them. I am happy to work too, I like my job. I just wish that is all I had to focus on.I wish my past would leave me be.

 

All my posts have been kinda negative lately, I guess. I’m fed up, I’m pissed off, I’m angry. I’m mad at the world, I’m mad at God. I’m so done, with all of it.

I had to go through utter hell on Friday in order to relieve the symptoms that have been making me so ill. Yet, even though the symptoms have subsided, I still don’t get a break. How is that fair? How is any of this shit fair? I don’t want to do this anymore.

That emotional detachment that is supposed to be getting me through? Well, that’s not fucking working anymore. I am doing way too well and connecting to my feelings (which I am sure is something good and my T will piss me off smiling about it on Friday), but right now, that just fucks me off.

I feel like a big ball of angry, seething, rage.

 

So, I am angry. I suspect I need a release, but I am too much of a fucking wimp to write about what I am aware is underneath. So for now, it’s getting through until Friday.

I feel desperate to see my T right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Angry today.

  1. Hugs and Love to you today,

    You have every right to feel the rage. And you are going to have physical pain from your brain working through all the crap. Don’t spend a lot of time disecting where the pain is coming from. It will reveal itself at some point in your healing or you will say fuck you to it as I have learned to do as might is cronic. Don’t let it lead your life.
    As for the rage, its there to try and protect you. Protect you fromall that has harmed you so deeply. I had a rage that was like yours. I was at a point that I was either going to kill myself or find the one that hurt me and stick the gun up his
    _ _ _ and make him feel the pain and the pull the trigger. I finally realized he was not worth the .12¢ a bullet cost and he sire as hell was not worth the rest of my life, no matter how bad it was at the time.
    Find a way that works for you to release that energy of the emotion. Try taking a baseball bat to an INATIMATE object and beat the shit out of it a few times. It worked for me.

  2. Its great you can express the anger. Keep writing, if it helps. I know I am late commenting and stuff, sorry about that. I hope you are feeling ok now? A little more ok anyway? XX

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