Home » My Journey » Grooming, Attachment, Anger.

Grooming, Attachment, Anger.

 

My head may explode, this week was supposed to be calmer. Work was nuts, house purchase is all systems go, children are driving me nuts, to do list is getting longer. I just wanna sit on my couch and hide from it all.

Tomorrow is therapy day, I’m looking forward to it this week, I’m desperately trying to keep a lid on my feelings. I am hoping I can release them a little with my T.

 

I have been reading up on grooming again, I find it is a need right now. While this was something I started to face and come to terms with last year, I know I am not there yet and my most recent therapy session has thrown it up again for me.

I have been reading some of the NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood) website, have you been there? I never really thought I belonged there. I don’t consider myself as someone who was a victim of child abuse. I was a teen. I hear child, I think pre pubescent. Am I the victim of child abuse?

Either way, a lot of the stuff on the website really resonates with me. Particularly as I am dealing with mixed feelings towards my abuser. It seems to be common/ normal/ expected. The  feelings I have right now, aren’t about now, they are 14 year old feelings, but they leave me confused and conflicted. It helps to know I am not alone.

 

I have known all along, that I had feelings of love for my abuser. Even though that love was out of manipulation and grooming, the way I felt was real. But following my recent therapy session, I now realise how much deeper it went.

I  think I formed a bond/an attachment to my abuser. I needed him, I really, needed him.  And as I faced his betrayal with my T on Friday, I was devastated.

How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? Sick, for one. Guilty too. I read that the bond/ attachment is normal. Yet I feel anything but normal. How could I have needed him and loved him so very much, when he hurt me in ways I didn’t believe were possible? What does that make me?

 

I know, I know- he caused that, he groomed me into needing him. He worked hard to sever my bonds with anyone else, he was cunning in isolating me from anyone and everyone else. I was so young, I needed someone. He was the only someone left. I know I am looking at it with hindsight. But I don’t know how not to blame myself.  Perhaps, because it’s easier to deal with that way? Easier than the reality? Or perhaps it’s because he ground me down so much, I still struggle with finding self worth.

Either way, it adds to my anger. The anger that I ever felt that way, the anger that I feel this way now and the anger that exists to hold down the growing pain.

It was supposed to be easier and better this week. Where’s my break? When will it end? I swear, I’m not far from my knees here.

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Grooming, Attachment, Anger.

  1. Your feelings are the worst part of this kind of abuse – you continue to suffer long after your abuser is out of your life. Sadly, the only way out is through the pain. I’m sorry you’re having a hard week and send good thoughts your way that it gets better from here.

  2. Anyone that has been abused can relate to the way you are feeling right now. Finding YOU is not easy but it is well worth the struggle. Just keep focused on your happiness, the sunshine on the other side of the rain and you will get through.

  3. wow…..as i read your blog i felt ready to burst in tears…i feel these same things..have felt these same things…have been dealing with them for the past 12 years but also felt insane and simply tried to suppress them! it doesn’t feel ok to love the person who abused you but i did! i still feel protective in a sense….i never heard the term “groomed” but that’s what happened to me. all connections and relationships were cut off..by my choice i thought but really bcuz i didn’t have a choice. i no longer had a voice. i did everything to please my abuser…everything to keep the peace…i also thought i needed that person…thought i couldn’t live otherwise….felt completely dependent…i too was a teenager and my abuser was 16 yrs older than me…ugh…that road is so ugly…so desperate and deadly..it’s like poison! i don’t consider myself a victim of child abuse though because i also view that as little children…but…that’s just my opinion…i pray you find relief, friend! you know you have a special place in my heart and prayers..i’m grateful our paths connected ❤

  4. I just wanted to say thank you for posting this because this has really helped me not feel so alone. This is similar to some of the emotions I go through. I really do hope you are able to get a much needed break that you deserve.

  5. You are not to blame! You were a child. A child is defined as anyone who is under 18 years old. You were just a kid! He knew that! Dont blame yourself hon. You were innocent! XXX

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