It would seem that I am not ready. I couldn’t release how I felt today. But my T was awesome as normal. He stood with me and together we looked at it. We looked at what it was, what it is and what it means. And though we didn’t move forward into it, neither did we turn back.
I am not disappointed, everything inside of me was telling me to run away from that pain. While I didn’t let it speak, I didn’t turn and run from it either.
My T suggested that this is the root of it all, that once I can get through this, everything else will follow. That’s a scary thought- something to explore another time.
I’m a little triggered on and off right now, I can’t talk about this stuff so deeply without going close to the memories. I feel a bit “icky”. Like I need to shower, to wash away the triggers, scrub away the memories. It’s not unusual, I should be used to it, I guess. Yet it doesn’t seem to get any easier.
At the end of my session (perhaps bad timing, but necessary), my T told me he’s away for 2 weeks in April. As I left, I realised that as there is also a holiday (Good Friday) the week after he’s away, I won’t actually see him for most of April. I’m so angry, not at my lovely T, not at all. I am angry at my reaction and my feelings to that news.
Earlier in the session, I told my T I wish I could take a break to face one thing at a time (sometimes I feel as if I don’t get to finish a stage before the next is upon me). April could be that break- yet I don’t feel good about it. Quite the opposite.
Firstly, because I have a huge and horrible anniversary (easily the worst day of my life), the day before his first week off. Yes, I’ve told him about it once before, but I need to go there again. Now I can attach myself to the feelings too, I need to talk about it again, differently, properly. How the hell do I handle that anniversary without him? When do we talk about it again?
And secondly, today we talked a little about how I hate to depend on other people and I guess I realised how much I actually do depend on my T. I am clear on the boundaries, he is not my friend, I don’t need him for survival, I don’t need love or affection from him. What I get from him in our relationship though, I need.
A professional relationship is necessary in this, so I don’t have to be paranoid about taking up his time, or fearing that he’ll tell someone else, or worry I’ll upset him. I know (mostly) that space is reserved for me each week, he will (almost always) be there each week. When I’m struggling, I know that I just have to hold on until Friday. I cannot expect anyone else to do that for me.
That need for him and need for therapy and any need for anyone, scares me. I don’t want to need him or anyone. I hate that I feel so needy. It scares me, more than I can ever explain.
I’ll cope with the gap (I think?), I’ve done so before. I’m more able to handle the trauma side of things and while I don’t do feelings well yet, I can contain if I really have to. But today, after gently prodding at that devastation of being abandoned and rejected-left alone in my agony, I cannot help but transfer some of those feelings into my T going away.
I hope I will feel differently in a few days? Perhaps it’s just because I feel so raw from the session and because the way I feel is so new and scary and huge?
I couldn’t cry all session for the deep pain inside me, yet the idea of being alone with that anniversary and also the reality of needing someone, is so terrifying that I just cannot stop the tears.
I don’t want to need him, I don’t want to depend on anyone. Yet, I don’t want to be alone, I cannot do this alone. You know that “I’m almost on my knees here” from yesterday? Well I’m beyond that now. I am flat on the ground. What do I do? How do I get through this?
And I swear, the more upset I get, the more triggered I am. Apparently, I cannot even cry, without “him” intruding.