Home » Therapy » Needy.

Needy.

It would seem that I am not ready. I couldn’t release how I felt today. But my T was awesome as normal. He stood with me and together we looked at it. We looked at what it was, what it is and what it means. And though we didn’t move forward into it, neither did we turn back.

I am not disappointed, everything inside of me was telling me to run away from that pain. While I didn’t let it speak, I didn’t turn and run from it either.

My T suggested that this is the root of it all, that once I can get through this, everything else will follow. That’s a scary thought- something to explore another time.

I’m a little triggered on and off right now, I can’t talk about this stuff so deeply without going close to the memories. I feel a bit “icky”. Like I need to shower, to wash away the triggers, scrub away the memories. It’s not unusual, I should be used to it, I guess. Yet it doesn’t seem to get any easier.

At the end of my session (perhaps bad timing, but necessary), my T told me he’s away for 2 weeks in April. As I left, I realised that as there is also a holiday (Good Friday) the week after he’s away, I won’t actually see him for most of April. I’m so angry, not at my lovely T, not at all. I am angry at my reaction and my feelings to that news.

Earlier in the session, I told my T I wish I could take a break to face one thing at a time (sometimes I feel as if I don’t get to finish a stage before the next is upon me). April could be that break- yet I don’t feel good about it. Quite the opposite.

Firstly, because I have a huge and horrible anniversary (easily the worst day of my life), the day before his first week off. Yes, I’ve told him about it once before, but I need to go there again. Now I can attach myself to the feelings too, I need to talk about it again, differently, properly. How the hell do I handle that anniversary without him? When do we talk about it again?

And secondly, today we talked a little about how I hate to depend on other people and I guess I realised how much I actually do depend on my T. I am clear on the boundaries, he is not my friend, I don’t need him for survival, I don’t need love or affection from him. What I get from him in our relationship though, I need.

A professional relationship is necessary in this, so I don’t have to be paranoid about taking up his time, or fearing that he’ll tell someone else, or worry I’ll upset him. I know (mostly) that space is reserved for me each week, he will (almost always) be there each week. When I’m struggling, I know that I just have to hold on until Friday. I cannot expect anyone else to do that for me.

That need for him and need for therapy and any need for anyone, scares me. I don’t want to need him or anyone. I hate that I feel so needy. It scares me, more than I can ever explain.

I’ll cope with the gap (I think?), I’ve done so before. I’m more able to handle the trauma side of things and while I don’t do feelings well yet, I can contain if I really have to. But today, after gently prodding at that devastation of being abandoned and rejected-left alone in my agony, I cannot help but transfer some of those feelings into my T going away.

I hope I will feel differently in a few days? Perhaps it’s just because I feel so raw from the session and because the way I feel is so new and scary and huge?

I couldn’t cry all session for the deep pain inside me, yet the idea of being alone with that anniversary and also the reality of needing someone, is so terrifying that I just cannot stop the tears.

I don’t want to need him, I don’t want to depend on anyone. Yet, I don’t want to be alone, I cannot do this alone. You know that “I’m almost on my knees here” from yesterday? Well I’m beyond that now. I am flat on the ground. What do I do? How do I get through this?

And I swear, the more upset I get, the more triggered I am. Apparently, I cannot even cry, without “him” intruding.

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7 thoughts on “Needy.

  1. Oh my word I can relate to this so so much. All of it. On the therapist side of things, my therapist went on holiday for a few weeks in February, meaning I didn’t see him for almost 4 weeks. I had been saying just before that I maybe needed a break, but I didn’t really think I’d actually do it, so this sort of forced it. In some ways it was probably a good thing to have a bit of time away from the intensity of therapy and to figure out how to process some huge things without knowing I could go there, but I am so glad he is back now too. I think the feeling of needing our therapist and the attachment to them etc is normal, though feels horrible when we hate to need anyone so much because of all our fears. I hope you can work towards this break with him and feel able to talk to him about your worries about him being away – this really helped me to process it all. And I know how awful I can feel for the hours and days after my therapy (I call it my ‘counselling hangover!’) so do take care of you tonight and do something nice for yourself. Much much love to you xx

    • Thank you for your understanding! Therapy breaks are always hard. I’ve done the 4 week gap twice before and will be facing it next month, but it never gets easier. Honestly, I don’t normally share my fears with him, but I think you are right, perhaps I should.

      Counselling hangover is a great term. It’s an odd feeling isn’t it? Horrible, strange. I’m glad for the understanding. Thank you.

      xx

      • I actually woke up one morning the day after therapy and had to think for a while what I’d done the night before as even physically felt like I had had too much to drink and was hungover, but I hadn’t had a drink in weeks and weeks! It was the emotional shake up from my therapy causing it! Only share your fears if you feel comfortable doing so, but for me it was important I did or I probably would have shut down a bit in the run up to him going away. xx

      • Oh that sounds familiar. Horrid feeling isn’t it? I wake with like a sense of dread after my T session- sounds dramatic, but feels very real. I do feel comfortable sharing with my T, I think. I have been more forthcoming in sharing how I feel about our relationship recently. I feel more relaxed with him. I do intend to tell him how I feel, if I can.
        xx

  2. I hate the needy feelings too. But we were starved of so much in our childhoods, that they are natural. At least that is what our t says about it. We do deserve to need and need other people now. Its a hard one but I am glad your t is so awesome and you think he’s great. XXX

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