It is as if there is another entity within me.
Something lurking inside, just waiting for her moment.
Though sometimes she sleeps, she won’t ever truly let me be.
And with every step forward I take, she wakes.
Pushing her way to the surface,
she reminds me of what is at stake.
Blaming me for what I did and what I did not do.
Taking control, she shows me I am dirty, she shows me I am used
and if only they knew, they would leave me too.
She ridicules my stupidity, for my trust, my love, my hope.
The death of my insecurities are revived by her doubt
Why did I rely on them? How could I ever thought I’d cope?
She is awake today, the same as yesterday and the day before,
hating me for trusting, for my reliance and my neediness.
I feel her disdain, she despises me to my core.
And as I try to claw my way back, I have to wonder if she’s right?
Knowing I am doubting too, she won’t concede now.
It’s easier to give in and let her lead. I can no longer fight.