I lied for you, because you told me to, your web of lies has been hanging over me ever since and weaving through my life.
We were full of deception, together it seemed, in a cunning disguise. What you told me to, I said without question. Though the cost was high, I kept the truth locked away. I did it for you, because you taught me to.
And I’ve done it ever since, lied to keep your secret, lied to keep the truth hidden, even from myself. I let them think it was me and I let them think it was OK. I carried my identity, hidden behind that stereotype. It was easier to be what you made me, than to ever tell the truth.
Now I’m unpacking the boxes I filled high. I am uncovering the truth, I am revealing your deception and taking off that disguise. But the further forward I go, the more I waver. I hate to admit it, but I am afraid of you still.
Fear of what you might say or do, if only you knew that I’m going against what you said. Fear that each time I tell what you did, I get closer to the truth. The truth shines light on your deceit and it makes you transparent. I hate what I see, I hate you. A hate I did not believe I was capable of feeling. And that hate is all at you. Not at the monster, but you, the one I loved.
Because now I see who you are, I see you are just like him, the one that resides with you, the monster within. And I have to wonder if you are the one, the one responsible for all of this. I am starting to wonder if the pain is far worse than the traumas I have lived.
I am heartbroken over you, my 14 year old self is in bits, I feel that devastation and it’s killing me. How could you have lied to me, how could I have lied for you?
You did a number on me, didn’t you? In a few short months, those lies became my truth. And as the lies are leaving me now and I am uncovering the truth, I find that somewhere inside a deep grief is waiting to be released.
I feel lost, who was I really then and where has she gone? It’s as if my identity has been ripped away and my heart broken in two. The delusion of who you were is no longer there to protect me and I am starting to feel some of it now, what I should have done before.
But I know it will be worth it, every single ounce of pain. Because as I continue to allow the truth to be free, I feel you leaving my life. Your lies are the poison and my truth the antidote. Each time I let it out, I am purging you from me. And one day you will be gone and finally I will be free.