Wow, what awesome followers I have. Thank you, for your comments, likes and emails yesterday. It really does help to know I am not alone.
I am grateful for the prayers sent my way throughout all of this, but yesterday it was important I didn’t receive those, when I’m triggered like that, it only serves to deepen my distress (for reasons I won’t go into right now). Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Yesterday was probably the worst I have been triggered in a long while. The past had taken over and I was so distressed, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t face my journals- I haven’t in a while. Getting it out here helped. I am probably at my most honest when triggered, so I will not apologise for what I posted. It is truth, it is real.
I am in that hungover funk that is all too familiar. I guess yesterday was a new experience for me- not the triggered bit, but the allowing the anger and pain that came with it. That isn’t something I have done before. It meant that it was a terrifying experience for me, but I know feeling is the way through all of this. Yesterday, I felt a lot.
It was if it I was back in the past, but it was running at high speed, like on fast forward. The flashes of trauma hitting me, then leaving quickly. While the body memories lingered, what I really noticed was how distraught I was, in a way I often wasn’t back then. I was numb through a lot of it. Yesterday, I wasn’t numb. I was so afraid, so hurt. I felt heartbroken, devastated, angry and bitter. I felt and that’s still so new.
I keep hoping this will get easier, but I think it’s getting harder. Every step forward is connecting me to my past. I’m remembering more and feeling it too. It’s like having a burn, eased by cold water, but when exposed to air it is agony. I’ve been smothering my pain for years, now its exposed, I am in agony.
In order to move forward, I have to go through this, a necessary pain. That depresses me, scares me. I don’t want to feel this. It feels forced on me, like so many things in my life have been. Yes, I choose to do this, choose to move forward, but what alternative is there? How is this really choice?