Home » My Journey » The inevitable hangover

The inevitable hangover

Wow, what awesome followers I have. Thank you, for your comments, likes and emails yesterday. It really does help to know I am not alone.

I am grateful for the prayers sent my way throughout all of this, but yesterday it was important I didn’t receive those, when I’m triggered like that, it only serves to deepen my distress (for reasons I won’t go into right now). Thank you for respecting my wishes.

 

Yesterday was probably the worst I have been triggered in a long while. The past had taken over and I was so distressed, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t face my journals- I haven’t in a while. Getting it out here helped. I am probably at my most honest when triggered, so I will not apologise for what I posted. It is truth, it is real.

I am in that hungover funk that is all too familiar. I guess yesterday was a new experience for me- not the triggered bit, but the allowing the anger and pain that came with it. That isn’t something I have done before. It meant that it was a terrifying experience for me, but I know feeling is the way through all of this. Yesterday, I felt a lot.

It was if it I was back in the past, but it was running at high speed, like on fast forward. The flashes of trauma hitting me, then leaving quickly. While the body memories lingered, what I really noticed was how distraught I was, in a way I often wasn’t back then. I was numb through a lot of it. Yesterday, I wasn’t numb. I was so afraid, so hurt. I felt heartbroken, devastated, angry and bitter. I felt and that’s still so new.

 

I keep hoping this will get easier, but I think it’s getting harder. Every step forward is connecting me to my past. I’m remembering more and feeling it too. It’s like having a burn, eased by cold water, but when exposed to air it is agony.  I’ve been smothering my pain for years, now its exposed, I am in agony.

In  order to move forward, I have to go through this, a necessary pain. That depresses me, scares me. I don’t want to feel this. It feels forced on me, like so many things in my life have been. Yes, I choose to do this, choose to move forward, but what alternative is there? How is this really choice?

 

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3 thoughts on “The inevitable hangover

  1. Truth is real. I like that statement. So, brutally honest. I always “screen” what I say to others in order to get a social cue that what I’m saying is ‘strange’ or inappropriate. But there are times when I allow my mouth to run without the filter on. Usually I save that for my psychiatrist and occasionally my loved ones get an ugly piece of it when I’m pushed too far.
    Don’t be sorry for the honesty even if it is ugly. Life is ugly.

    I am usually in robot mode, so numb and cold that I often have to resort to self hate methods in order to make myself feel pain so it will prove to me that life is actually real. But there are times when I am overwhelmed with feelings-always anger, hate and pure adrenalin. It sounds very much like what you have described. Flashes of the traumas’, and my inability to control them result in my inability to control my feelings. But I am grateful for those moments as they are better than the months of nothingness that I often “feel”.

    From one extreme to the next….if it helps my psychiatrist says feelings of anger is a good sign. However, he added that it’s important that I not get ‘stuck’ in the anger zone.

    For now, I figure just run with any feelings I get. Embrace the anger and allow it to come through when it needs too.

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