Therapy on Friday helped in more ways than one. But it seems to be propelling me forward into a place I suddenly don’t feel ready for. I’m not ready to write about that place yet, at least any more than poetry stuff.
The letter to my abuser, that I shared here the other day (“Our Lies, letter to my abuser”) was a result of another shift in my perception of my abuser. The letter helped, it brought a whole heap of anger and hate to the surface which I released a little with my T on Friday. I certainly feel calmer for it this weekend.
I’m very aware that after next week I have 3 weeks off therapy and while I’m fairly sure I’ll cope without my T, I am not allowing myself to explore anything (new) too deeply right now. I feel like I’m containing, just about. I won’t be risking jeopardising that in my last therapy session on Friday.
Before my T goes away, I’m hoping I can deal with my difficulties in using my journals. I find I cannot go near my journals at all right now. Fear mostly. Fear of exploring what I know is there, fear of facing “them”, fear of pain, fear of not handling it…
I really need to get past that before the therapy gap. Without my T, I need the outlet that writing brings me. I know I have here and believe me it helps a lot, particularly right now, but I censor what I post. I need somewhere to get it out where I do not have to censor at all.
So, I guess I am a little better than I have been. I’m containing what’s going on right now and PTSD symptoms are improved too. I am however, nervous about an upcoming (huge, mega, biggy of an) anniversary, stressed about house move stuff and frightened of what’s changing for me (see “battle”) right now.
I’ve tried hard this weekend, I accomplished a lot around the house yesterday, while fighting through waves of flashbacks. Today, I have been working on grounding much of the day, in the hopes that those flashbacks and memories will stay away for now.
I am so desperate to be on top of my symptoms and memories, I really, really need my therapy break to be as calm and relaxed as possible. I want to spend it getting my head around recent disclosures, not spending all my time grounding and counting the days until my T returns.