The last month or so has been pretty difficult. With an upcoming anniversary (that I cannot seem to distract from) this difficult time doesn’t feel over yet, but the last few days have been a little better.
Yesterday’s day of grounding worked well, I managed to sleep well last night. Unfortunately a work situation today had me struggling with hyper vigilance. I found myself wondering why the heck I inflict myself on the world and equally why I put myself through it, when I feel like such a mess inside.
This afternoon has been better though and as I’ve done a heck of a lot of venting on here lately, I wanted to be sure I include the good as well as the bad.
So, this afternoon I was with my children in our small town doing a little shopping. I had parked in a part of town that is crowded during school pick up but very quiet at most other times. By the time we returned to the car, the school traffic had left and it was just my car parked in this place. I put the boys in the car, then as I was putting the shopping and pushchair into the boot of the car, it dawned on me how quiet and even secluded the area was.
And I searched for the panic within me. I waited for the dissociation. I expected the fear. But you know what? It didn’t happen! And I realised that amazingly, I actually felt relaxed and even safe- WOW!
I do feel safe where I live and that is clear to me now. Sure, there are plenty of times I feel afraid while at home or out in town, but it’s about past issues, or the PTSD, not about where I live. And it’s good to know the difference between fear of the past and how I feel now.
Before today, I don’t think I really realised how I felt about where we lived. We are about to buy a house in this town and now I feel confident in our decision. This town is home for me now.
It feels good to have a home where not only am I safe, but I feel safe too. How awesome is that?