Do you ever weary of all this? I don’t mean just the every day fight to overcome your past, to heal etc etc; but weary of reading it, weary of seeing it, weary of writing about it, weary of hearing it, weary of remembering it. Sometimes, I wish I could have a real break. A break from my past and a break from reality.
Some days I am stronger than others, on those days I can read about the horror other people have and are going through, but often it’s just too much. I feel guilty for that. I won’t be someone who buries their head in the sand because they can’t handle reality. But sometimes it’s just too much. It hurts.
Today is one of those times. I am tired. I hurt so much I physically ache. I am angry, my chest is aching in an effort to contain all that I feel. And then I inadvertently read something about today being international something or other to do with victims (I clicked off it right away, so didn’t really take it in) and I felt instantly sick.
Normally, I’m all for awareness- it’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong. But right now it’s just another reminder that I understand and right now I’m tired of understanding.
It’s an anniversary for me today and I find that I am feeling the same as I did that day- used, broken and ashamed.
I’ve done all the right things, kept to a routine, eaten well and stayed hydrated. I am surrounded by grounding and comforting items. I wanted to write, but couldn’t face my journal today (so sorry, you’ve got me venting here instead). I’ve stayed away from the news, the TV has been comedy shows only, the radio has stayed off, other than this, my laptop has remained closed today. I’m trying. Hard. I’ve got comfort food on the menu tonight and my husband on standby for when I am grounded enough to crawl into his safe arms (struggling a bit with touch right now).
But I am worn out from all of this. Tired of hurting, tired of fighting, tired of knowing of horrors of the world that people around me are ignorant to.
I am tired of understanding, tired of knowing about rape first hand, tired of knowing about abuse, tired of seeing it going on in all around me and feeling so utterly powerless. Powerless to stop it for others, powerless to change attitudes towards it and powerless to make it go away for myself right now.
I am feeling kinda battle weary right now. This will pass, right?