Ever struggle to find the words to describe how you feel?

Something big has shifted (which apparently is a major milestone) and now my memories are different. I have new ones, gaps have been filled in and I view them all in a new way.

It is as if the separate boxes of memories have been thrown together into a new bigger box. It is chaos in my head, like they are all clambering for my attention “Look at me, see how different I am” and “look, I am new, process me”. More to accept, more to face.

It’s shit. That is about the only word I can find to describe how I feel. It’s not even accurate, I just don’t think the word I need exists.

I should be sitting in the garden recovering from my therapy, avoiding my laptop, just journalling or relaxing, but I cannot.

I am very aware that in 24 hours I need to be OK, I have plans with University friends who I see so rarely, I don’t want to cancel. I need to be better, but right now I cannot switch off. I am restless and fidgety.

I didn’t want to leave my therapy session today. I guess I need some guidance and reassurance right now. Because this is so massive- massive and scary.






11 thoughts on “

  1. Yes I have had the experience of new information redefining my world. Usually for me that has been a good thing. But not always.

    I’m so sorry you aren’t feeling well now. Have you ever tried meditation? I know that some people in therapy have tried it. I do it too. 10 minutes a day of focusing on your breath and letting go of any thought that comes into your head rewires your brain so that when destructive thoughts come you can just let them go. It can take months to get to the point where you can do this. I find my mind calms easier if I focus energy on healing some part of my body, or even my psyche. After that I can just focus silently on my breath.

    • Thank you. Yes it’s a good thing, something I’ve wanted all along, but going through it is rough. I just don’t know what I feel, it’s so new and it scares me.

      I used to meditate, kinda got out of practice, thank you for the reminder to try it again.

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