Trigger Warning for swearing.
Thank you for the support yesterday. It was a rough afternoon. I wish I could say it passed. If anything it is worse this morning, but that may be because I am laden with guilt right now too.
My husband went out for a ride first thing this morning, I called him home shortly after he left. I needed him, I needed comfort, I needed his help with the children. But he needed that ride. He needed time out before looking after the boys for the weekend. It was so hard for me to ask for help, but I was falling hard and fast, I felt I did not have any choice.
I also called my friend, at first I was going to cancel our plans today, instead we pushed it back to later today and agreed to a quieter evening in at her place. We had planned a meal out and then onto the City to hit the bars. I am relieved. I was looking forward to those plans, but in this state a night in sounds better.
I feel guilty I changed her (and our other friends) plans. I want to cancel completely. I can’t stop shaking. I feel a wreck. My husband is encouraging me to go, he thinks it will be good for me, that it will ground me. I need that for sure. Maybe he is right.
I have body memories and I’m fighting off flashbacks left, right and centre though- maybe home is better. I am not sure.
I expressed my fears to my T yesterday and he said that a year ago, or 6 months ago I would not have been able to handle this. I would have been overwhelmed with anger, pain and triggers. He said I have this now, because I am ready but ready doesn’t mean it will be easy.
Well he’s right about that. And ready? Hell, I don’t even want to think about what this would have been like if I wasn’t ready. This is so fucking bad, so fucking hard.
Yesterday I faced something I’ve been waiting for. I knew it was coming, I’ve been working towards it for months and now it has happened. As expected it has changed everything. My T said- yes changed everything back then, but not now. Here and now is the same. I am hanging onto that right now.
This is what I need. It is what I want- to heal. But I never wanted it to come to this. I never wanted to be in this fucking position in the first place.
I did not want to be treated like a fucking object, used and abused then thrown away like I was some worthless broken toy. I should not have been left alone, forced to pick up the pieces and repair what was left of myself over and over again.
I know my T would encourage me to feel what I feel right now, he would reassure me that it’s ok that it hurts. He would tell me it’s OK to struggle, but to remember that I will come out the other side. I am holding onto those thoughts right now. Thank God for my T.
And thank God for my husband, picking me up each time I cannot find the strength this morning.
I am no longer alone am I? Sometimes I forget that. I do not have to build barriers and compartmentalise any longer. My T is right. I am here facing this, because I am ready.