I cannot write in my journal. I cannot explain here what is going on and I have no therapy this week.
I am struggling lots this morning.
The truth is all I have ever wanted, I want to be free, I want to know and process everything. I thought it would make me feel sane.
Now I know (and I mean really know) the truth, I feel crazier than ever. At least right now. This is too much for one person. This sort of stuff breaks people.
I do not have time to be broken, I have children, a husband, a job and a house move.
The memories need to stop. I feel trapped right now. Trapped by the truth, the reality and the memories. Each day I remember more, I know more and I feel more. I know I was abused now, really know.
I was abused, for fucks sake- what do I do with that?
I feel tortured by memories. I feel tortured by the truth. When will it end? Will it ever end?
Somewhere inside I feel like this is killing me.
I am strong. I know that now. My T would tell me I am tough, I can handle this. He would tell me it is necessary to feel this way, but it will pass. Oh God, I hope he is right. Because I cannot help but think that this is too big for me. Too big for anyone.
I am not OK. Not even close. I need peace so desperately right now.
What do I do?