I cannot write in my journal. I cannot explain here what is going on and I have no therapy this week.

I am struggling lots this morning.

 

The truth is all I have ever wanted, I want to be free, I want to know and process everything. I thought it would make me feel sane.

Now I know (and I mean really know) the truth, I feel crazier than ever. At least right now. This is too much for one person. This sort of stuff breaks people.

I do not have time to be broken, I have children, a husband, a job and a house move.

The memories need to stop. I feel trapped right now. Trapped by the truth, the reality and the memories. Each day I remember more, I know more and I feel more. I know I was abused now, really know.

I was abused, for fucks sake- what do I do with that?

I feel tortured by memories. I feel tortured by the truth. When will it end? Will it ever end?

Somewhere inside I feel like this is killing me.

I am strong. I know that now. My T would tell me I am tough, I can handle this. He would tell me it is necessary to feel this way, but it will pass. Oh God, I hope he is right. Because I cannot help but think that this is too big for me. Too big for anyone.

I am not OK. Not even close. I need peace so desperately right now.

What do I do?

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “

  1. I have you taken time to yourself? Do something enjoyable? I know it may sound like a flimsy option but I’m doing that for myself today because I feel horrible inside.

    Would seeing someone help?

    I hope you’re safe! *hugs*

    • I am so sorry you feel horrible today too. How are you doing now? I saw my Minister, he came over to spend an hour with me, we chatted, his presence helped me to ground and feel a little safer.
      Thank you for your hugs. I am safe. I hope you are too. Hugs to you.

  2. Acceptance is never easy. Science(psychology) usually categorizes the aftermath of trauma into 5 set stages. Break out of those stages and do things your way.
    Give yourself time to heal, simply heal and nothing else. The pain will always be there. We just learn to live with it and someday we might even forget! You have a voice. Don’t let it drown.

    Hope you feel better soon.
    Keep writing, I’m reading, always.

  3. I am so sorry. The truth really hurts sometimes. I hear your pain. I am sending you a hug, I know what having no therapist to hold you feels like, at least if he was around you could share your burden with him. I hope you manage to see him this week and share it then. XX

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