Tomorrow we get the keys to our new house- woo! My first real house (we have always rented).
Over recent years we have been living in a different town and county to where I grew up and where the abuse took place. I feel safe here, content even at times. There’s a freedom here that I have never had before.
I have spent so many years feeling in limbo. Never really belonging. I always had a constant pull towards my home town which caused me so much conflict. I hated that town, going there made me feel suffocated. I felt in danger. I was surrounded by triggers. There are so many reminders there and the very real and valid fear that I could run into my abuser. Yet I continued to be drawn there, to my family, the familiarity, to friends. I loved it. I hated to love it, but oh how I loved it there.
Somewhere over the last year or so, those ties have broken. I am no longer drawn to my childhood town. I no longer want to live there, it is no longer my home.
I feel like we belong here in the town we live in now, the town and county I now call home.
The house we live in right now is pretty tiny, it has lots wrong with it. I will miss it though. My youngest child was born here, we became a family of 4 here.
Two years ago, healing began in this house. I have put a lot of effort into making the house a safe haven to aid that healing. When I am feeling bad with PTSD, or my heart hurts, my living room is my sanctuary.
Home always felt like a prison- a prison I did not want to leave. My home here does not feel that way, not for at least 6 months ago now. I feel safe here. It is the first house I remember feeling safe in.
I am excited to have all that and more (well apart from the giving birth part) in my new house. I intend to make it a home for us as soon as possible. We have planned the move carefully. The living room is the last to be packed and the first to be unpacked. I have already chosen new items to aid the grounding process.
This house will give me security. I can and will install (actually the husband will) a decent alarm system and door and window locks. The house will be ours to stay in for as long as we want. I will never be forced to move somewhere else due to financial reasons.
I have some fears. Fear of the chaos and stress during the move. The fear of not being able to sleep in a new place. Fears of how I will handle things until it becomes a familiar and grounding place. Those fears are valid- I expect to have sleep issues, I expect to have to work harder to ground- but at least they are only going to be temporary things.
I have some guilt over the move too- of course. Survivors guilt my T calls it. That comes and goes. Perhaps it always will.
There is so much excitement over this, I am so thrilled about this move, but my heart is heavy for others and from guilt that I am surviving, even thriving. I feel guilty that I am striving so hard to be anywhere close to that dark world I knew. It is a fine line between removing myself from any reminders to avoid triggers and pretending that world and those things do not exist. I never want to cross that line. I never want to bury my head in the sand.
Nothing is ever simple is it? It is so difficult to break away from guilt and fear that has been instilled in me for so very long.
It’s been a rough week, it continues to be. The body memories are disturbing, even frightening at times. I am at a very difficult turning point while this house move goes on. I have to have faith that this will bring more healing. That the body memories are a step forward, however unpleasant they may be. I am coping, just. It is barely bearable, but I am bearing it. And tomorrow is another huge milestone. Not a new start as such, but a new chapter in my life and in our lives as a family.