I feel constricted this morning, my chest aches, my head is throbbing. I hurt.
Yesterday was OK, which is pretty remarkable (and progress) given the intensity of therapy on Friday, but today is different, for several reasons. I guess. Mostly dreams are the cause. I had some disturbing dreams early this morning.
My childhood Church featured and I am left feeling conflicted. I feel sort of churned up inside because I just do not know how to feel or what to think.
It seems that the further forward I go, the more of a need I have. The more I hurt, the more intense that need- which I guess makes sense.
I feel as if I am seeking something but I do not know exactly what that something is. I miss aspects of my past, which confuses me because those things have caused me so much damage. Part of that need is definitely tied up with those things I miss, which causes me so much conflict, because I also have a need (and want) to protect myself.
Inner conflict on a Sunday is not unusual. It is how I felt every Sunday as a teen during the abuse. It is how I have felt so often since, where I have craved the routine we had, the family day it always was, the companionship at Church and the familiarity of it all. Today, that all feels so much bigger, a huge flashing beacon, I cannot ignore. I guess that beacon has been slowly getting brighter recently..
As I type this, I am watching my two children looking out the window at their daddy who is busy gardening. Such joy, such innocence. The love I feel for them is so strong I could weep. It makes me ache all the more. They are future, they are what matters. Letting go of my past to enable me to fully embrace what I have is the way forward. I want to let go, of it all so I can move forward, but it isn’t that simple, it isn’t just about what I want-what about what I need?