I am reeling after today’s therapy session. Some encouraging things, but mostly uncovering the things I have been distracting from recently. I am feeling emotional and sad and shocked and hurt and disturbed. I am grounded, no flashbacks or body memories, but pain, lots and lots of pain.
Abandonment, rejection, grooming, helplessness- all came up today. Him, it was him, all of it was him. I cannot escape that anymore. I see what he did, how he got me, the pressure, the lies, the force. I was his puppet, he used me- and that control went deeper than I once believed. It is terrifying the depths to which I was controlled. My body, my memories, my thoughts, my feelings. Everything.
We returned to choice briefly, to what that meant and the enormity of admitting of how it was better when there was no choice- I cannot begin to explain what that means, what I admitted and how disgusted I am (with him, not me). It’s all so fucked up. How I could ever prefer the lack of choice- what on earth did he to do me to ground me down that much, to make me prefer “that”?
And then the resulting “does he believe me?” thoughts- which more recently I know to usually mean “do I believe me?” I didn’t ask him. I cannot ask myself. Because how can I believe it? How can I expect anyone to believe me? How can this be true? Any of it? Who does that to someone else? I will never understand, the rapes, the abuse, the devastation he caused. I remember but can barely believe the extent to which he broke me down, how hopeless I felt, how destroyed I was. What I admitted today was true- and evidence of what a number he had done on me- but I am not sure I dare believe it. I am not sure how to handle the magnitude of it all. It is unbelievable.
Then there was something new, or something old that now makes a little more sense. My fear of being asked anything more than basic questions, the pressure I feel to answer “correctly”. Normally I push through, sometimes it doesn’t bother me too much, but today, real fear stopped me answering. When my T asked me what words I would use to describe something, I couldn’t push through and I couldn’t tell him why. I felt under threat- yet I knew I was safe with my T and there is no wrong or right answer. Something else to explore, I guess.
Now my T is away (again!), no sessions for 2 weeks, a good thing perhaps, time to let this sink in a bit, to do some processing and maybe a little down time (yeah, fucking right). His being away is not helpful with the abandonment issue that surfaced today.
I should at least be grateful the PTSD isn’t bad.- I am, somewhere, I think. I just don’t know that I have the capacity to feel good about anything this evening. This isn’t OK, it isn’t OK that I had to go through it, it isn’t OK that I have to go through this pain now. I am not OK with it. It’s fucked up, all of it.