It has been a rough week. Kinda expected after my therapy session last Friday. We poked at a lot of old wounds.
I muddled through the week, but reached exhaustion Thursday evening, so much so that my husband was trying to convince me to take a sick day on Friday. If you know my husband then you would realise what a big deal that is. My husband never takes time off and he rarely encourages anyone else to, he is of the “push through” school of thought when it comes to work.
I didn’t take time off (I guess I am not so different from my husband) but I planned an hour or so to myself in the afternoon, when I would normally be with my T.
However, my afternoon didn’t quite go to the original plan. I had a bad morning at work and I was home late as a result. My toddler was very unhappy from the moment we got home. He proceeded to scream at me for most of the afternoon.
Honestly, I felt quite resentful that my afternoon was not going to plan. At times, I was tempted to join in the tantrum with him. I just wanted some time, time to attempt journaling, time to lay in the garden under the trees and think, or not think.
But the 3 year old had other ideas. He was very unhappy- teething I think -and only mummy would do. In the end, I took my angry, red faced tot outside with me, lay down with him and quietly sang to him until he calmed down. Which he did.
The remainder of the afternoon was spent on the blanket under the trees, cuddling, singing and looking at the clouds together. And you know what? It was actually pretty awesome. Not the afternoon I had planned, but healing in its own way.
So I didn’t quite get time to spend on journalling, but perhaps that isn’t a bad thing? I was grounded and found a great deal of comfort in that closeness with my little boy.
I feel a little better this morning and as my toddler woke at 6, I have had some time to journal a little first thing. It has helped. There has been so much to think about, so much bothering me lately that it’s all felt a bit too chaotic to make sense of. Right now, I feel I have a little more clarity on what it is that needs to be dealt with and what will need acknowledgment and time.
In recent weeks I have been facing my past as a whole. There is no longer a retreat, or a way to hide. The full extent of what he did is what I see now. It’s better, for the long term, but very painful and scary right now. I have felt quite overwhelmed by it all this week.
I think this morning I have decided I am taking on way too much when it is not altogether necessary. Just because I now see my past as a whole, does not mean I need to face all of it as such. I cannot handle all the memories at once, I just cannot, there are too many. The trauma of those processed memories may have faded but the horror has not and maybe never will?
This morning, I have given permission to myself to section off the memories where I can- not quite the same as it used to be, where they were deeply buried in many, many different boxes, but more compartmentalising where possible. It is not simple at all, but I feel relief at just allowing myself some let up from all this. Not suppressing, or even distracting necessarily, but separating memories and putting away whatever I cannot or do not want to think about. Those processed memories are slotting away fairly easily- apart from two which I have noted to bring up with my T (when he has finished gallivanting across the country).
I am not sure if this will help or even work, but right now I feel better for the clarity journalling has brought and for being a little more proactive in dealing with things. It all felt a bit too much like I was just supposed to let it happen to me and I do not like that idea at all. But healing is personal, I have to find my own way. Letting things just happen or just be, is too scary for me, it is not my way and it was not working and is not likely to work for me.
So, maybe nothing will change, maybe I won’t be able to compartmentalise everything, but I feel like I can breathe a little easier right now. And I am glad for that. 🙂
Happy Saturday people. Thanks for reading.