Home » My Journey » Therapy worries. Rejection, Abandonment.

Therapy worries. Rejection, Abandonment.

I have just had three good days in a row, three! Saturday morning’s writing really helped.

I had an amazing afternoon with my cousin and her family and then a peaceful day Sunday. Yesterday, I had a challenge of handling the children alone until late evening and not only did I manage it, but I felt perfectly calm and natural while doing so- YAY for me!

 

Today is not so good, painful body memories, flashbacks and some fears/worries surrounding therapy and my T again. I really need them to go away, I cannot address them, nor can my T reassure me until next Friday.

One memory in particular continues to bother me. I really hoped it was among the processed memories and I would not need to go there again. Unfortunately, it seems I do. It keeps coming back and no amount of telling it to “do one” works. It just comes back. I can understand why, while we have discussed it before, it was not faced properly, or as necessary, instead it was talked about in order to reach other goals. Therefore, it makes sense that I need to raise it again at some point, but it seems I have some worries about doing so.

The thing that has surprised me, is that the worry is not about having to go through talking it over again, it is not fear or even frustration so much, instead it is more about how my T may react.

What the heck is up with that?? I have no reason to question him, he has never given me reason to.. But:

I am worried about going over old ground and causing him to feel impatient or annoyed with me. I deeply fear his (or anyone’s) rejection and abandonment. And that pisses me off. I thought those feelings had at least faded a little.

My last session with my T is probably why this is getting to me right now. He said a few things that were badly timed- things I will bring up in my next session.

The things he said were actually really encouraging when considered in the right mindset, but I guess I am not there, because I am struggling to see them as such right now.

Lots of fear and worrying. I have thoughts such as:

“Two years of therapy now, is he becoming frustrated with me?”

“Is he sick and tired of hearing about my stuff”

“Does he think I am exaggerating?”

“Does he believe I should be over it?”

Or the worst “Does he think I am over it and I am just attention seeking now?

 

Deep down I know the answers. He is a Person Centered Therapist, it is my agenda, my therapy, it goes on as long as I need and want. I have not stood still, I have made huge leaps of progress- so why the fear? Why the worry?

I have to get past it before I can talk to him about this memory again. It was a particularly nasty incident, probably one of the worst. It was emotionally and physically traumatic, incredibly so. It is also a memory that is (once again) surrounded in shame. As such, I need to feel completely sure he is there for me, with no frustration or impatience directed towards me.

I feel ridiculous for the fear, he is amazing, he has been amazing all the way through this. I should not need to question him.

It’s hard enough to have to get through the body memories and the flashbacks without the fear and worry. Every time I am hit by an intrusive memory I think of my last session when my T picked up on my use of the word “intrusive” and we talked of how it is OK, to tell a memory where to go. Why does that bother me? When or day or so ago that knowledge was a source of liberation for me? I feel so conflicted. I cannot tell this memory where to go yet and I know that is OK. I know my T would encourage me to explore it again. So why the worry?

I am tying myself in knots here. I hate feeling this way, the insecurity, the neediness.

The relationship with a therapist is a strange one isn’t it? You tell this person deep thoughts and feelings, you probably won’t tell another person, yet they aren’t a friend or a family member, or someone that will remain in your life after therapy.

While the boundaries are so very important to me, sometimes it’s hard not to feel needy. He knows my deepest, darkest thoughts. He knows vile and sick details I can never imagine repeating to anyone else. I have told him things I do not think my loved ones will ever know. I cannot handle the idea of his rejection. I cannot bear to imagine that he will abandon me with this.

 

I could beat myself up couldn’t I? I could be frustrated and angry at the way I feel, but what good would that do? I feel this, I cannot help what I feel. And I am not to blame. I did not cause these feelings. I feel this way because I was abandoned, because I was abused, because I was rejected. So, I am doing what I can to help myself feel better this evening. It is back to basics of grounding and comforting through these awful body memories and these troublesome, conflicting fears.

I hate this, what he did, what he caused and how it still lingers in my life now. I want to be free of it.

I hope this passes soon. 😦

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Therapy worries. Rejection, Abandonment.

  1. I hate that feeling too. I get a lot of that with close family members- I am constantly terrified that I will bore them eventually, same with my boyfriend and my close friends. I’m sure your therapist would tell you what my friends, boyfriend and family have told me- they want me to do well, they care about me, and they want me to talk and not suffer. Your therapist is well-trained, and seeing as he is a good one, I doubt highly he would get sick of you. He is person-centered, and as such, he will be focussed on your recovery. He is there for you, to take all the time you need to get well. Take care of yourself today, try to be kind to yourself. x

  2. The way you write about your fears with your T…it resonates. You have been able to put into words what fears lurk in my mind and body every time I open up to my therapist. I did not know until I read this post that another person could feel the same way. I feel so little for being so fearful and shameful of rejection from my T. I know it’s a “judge free” zone, yet I have judged my life and my thoughts my whole life and expect her to do the same. Thank you for sharing this post. I don’t feel so alone.

  3. The therapy relationship is definitely a weird one and I still find myself grappling with it. In fact, my heart went out to you because I also feel so scared of boring my therapist but worse than that, fearing that he will tell me I should just get over it now and heal. I think the other thing you were talking about, feeling needy, can be especially challenging. On the one hand, we have all these needs and the therapist seems to be the right person to accept and understand them. On the other hand, it can be very shame inducing to feel overly reliant on your therapist and especially his or her reactions.

    All I can say is that you are not alone and that I hope you find comfort in knowing others feel the same! In fact, I regularly blog about the complexities of therapy!

  4. So glad that at least it sounds like you are having some happy days, And that sounds like improvement.

    I wonder if these feelings about your neediness with your therapist id something you could discuss with him? Or if that would dissolve the boundary? I don’t know a lot about therapy, But it seems like this is something to discuss with someone.

    • Thank you. I will raise it with him. He has encouraged me to tell him all worries and fears if I can and especially about the relationship between us. If I don’t share my fears and worries about him, they get in the way. It will be hard, but I know it will help.

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