This week, I am off work!
It feels like it has been a long time coming. I don’t remembering ever feeling this desperate to have some time off before.
Work is fine, I like my job, I am good at it, I like my co workers, I love that I work just a few minutes drive from home. Work is good a lot of the time. It’s just the more I get into this awful, horrible and quite frankly unwanted, feeling stuff, the more I feel I need some time out. My T has suggested time off therapy when I need it, to process, to think, to feel, to just be. Aside from the whole rejection issues when he says that- it’s not something I want or need right now. Time off from therapy seems to me, to just be prolonging the agony. I am probably wrong, but that’s how it feels right now.
Work on the other hand, well that I need a break from. Not because of stress so much, I just want some time at home. I feel safe here, I feel (mostly) grounded at home. I feel like I can breathe. There are also added complications of inappropriate and upsetting topics at work and also working with someone who often triggers me. I need a break from that too.
I just want to be home and today, I am. Four days off work, or six if you count the weekend that has just been. It was a crappy weekend to be honest. I tried hard, really, really hard, to do some holiday stuff with my family, swimming, playground etc. PTSD was dragging me down all weekend though.
I am still bothered by triggers this morning, but definitely feel better. Things felt like they were spiraling yesterday. I found some time to write during the evening, which helped me tease out some more of the underlying issues. Sometimes writing can be a scary and incredibly painful process, but often it helps me to feel as if I have taken control again and that always brings relief.
So today, we stay home-at least in our home town. The weather is good, I have a hot drink, I am seated in my rocking chair with the doors flung open wide onto the garden. The children, well I’d like to say it’s all very idlyic and they are playing beautifully, but actually in reality, they are charging after one another with swords. Aside from that, it is calm, it is comforting. It is home. And home is where I so badly need to be right now.
I am tired and I am hurting, more than I like to admit, even to myself- especially to myself. I am hoping this week will help some. I am hoping for relief.
Perhaps this week will be healing? Maybe I will find a little peace?