Home » My Journey » Trust. Embarrassment. Fear

Trust. Embarrassment. Fear

Yesterday was rubbish, PTSD symptoms, fears, feelings of vulnerability. I slept very little, a combination of symptoms -dissociation, hyper in general, then a flashback in the early hours- and now I am experiencing the crash that follows.

It was a difficult day for reasons I cannot and do not want to go into here. The nightmare yesterday certainly did not help, but it wasn’t the reason for the struggles.

 

I am now feeling embarrassed at my reaction to the situation and for showing that reaction. I am going through that emotional roller coaster that seems to hit when I realise I have gone and trusted someone way more than I ever planned or thought I could (or even once thought I should).

Trust after abuse is so, so hard. I keep hoping it will get easier, but if anything it seems to be harder. More people than I could have imagined and a growing, deeper trust with a couple of those individuals- it is a scary, scary thing.

It’s good to trust isn’t it? Why can’t it feel good? It is safe to trust now, I choose the right people to trust and even then I am very careful..yet there’s always the fears that accompany any new deepening of trust. I have experienced it with my T many times as our relationship has grown and changed. Though those fears always pass somewhat, a deepening of trust feeds the fear of rejection and abandonment issues that are oh so very big right now. I hate that. Neediness is not OK, not for me. I am not OK with that.

 

Despite the fears, worries, embarrassment and exhaustion, I am doing better than yesterday. Calmer, apart from a bit of precautionary grounding that is necessary since the flashback early this morning (they tend to hit in waves), PTSD symptoms are not so bothersome as they were.

 

 

I guess no one said this journey would be easy. Life after abuse, is not easy is it?

Perhaps today will be better. At least I see my T tomorrow.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Trust. Embarrassment. Fear

  1. I hear you and understand your words but you have no cause to be embarrassed. You had just cause to feel the way you did after your experiences. I do hope you have a better day today xxx

  2. Today will be a better today. Positive thinking here 🙂 You are doing so so awesome my friend! Your growth is in leaps and bounds. The setbacks will still try to pull you but look at you go! Look at how far you have come! You CAN do this! You are victorious! You are an overcomer! ❤

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