That day, should never have happened. There are times I still feel angry at myself. Does that mean I am not yet guilt free? Maybe it isn’t as simple as that..
I hurt today- my body remembers over and over again- and more than that, my heart aches for her and for me.
It was never meant to be that way; not for her, not for us, not together and not that way. If it had to happen, I should have been alone.
I am angry at me, for loving her and for allowing our friendship to grow. I should have known better than to let her love me back and let her into my screwed up world.
If I had any idea what would be that day, I would have fought harder to keep her safe. I loved her so much, I would have died that death alone, a thousand more times over, to keep her from ever knowing that pain. I didn’t, I couldn’t. I was as helpless as her- but like all the times before, it should have just been me that day.