I have been in therapy for over 2 years now, I know how it goes. I know that even when I am so afraid that I can barely choke out the words, it feels better once I do. Maybe not immediately for sure, but eventually though, it is better- I look back over the last two years and I do not regret a single thing I told my T.
I am safe with my T, he won’t hurt me and after millions of assurances, I know he is not going to leave me with this. Again, I can look back over the last two years and remember the hideous the things I have said to him and see he is not budged. He has remained consistent all the way through.
I trust my T too, I trust him with this stuff more than anyone else. He knows things that it is likely others will never know. I can tell him anything I need or want to without any kind of rejection or judgement from him.
So,I trust my T, I am safe with my T and even though the process has and is changing, I have enough experience to know I can and will eventually tell him what I need to. Why then, am I shaking with fear right now? Why do I feel sick, cannot eat and have such anxiety, that my chest feels like it may explode?
After a difficult week, I felt calm yesterday. Calm, relaxed and ready for today. I felt confident and strong with an attitude of “Bring it on”. I have lost those feelings today. There is fear, there is anxiety and there is panic. It’s not about disclosure, not today. The thing I fear is something within myself, a thought process, a set of feelings. And today I need to approach that aspect of myself that I have kept hidden for years.
While I am not ready to face it as a whole yet- and I hope it will be some time before we do- we will need to face some of it, to deal with where we are at right now. I am afraid. So very afraid.
I can do it, I will do it, I even want to do it- because it will be another step forward on my journey to freedom. I get to be afraid though, right? It’s a scary thing and a horrible place to be.