What is it about shame- why is it so hard? Why does it feel all consuming?
I know it’s not mine to carry, it never was- so why does it feel like mine? Why is it so at home inside me, so much so, I think there would be a gaping hole if it were to ever go?
It’s such a huge issue and it’s underlying so much, I fear it will take years to unpick the tangled mess living inside me. And that is what it feels like- shame so real that it is like it is a living, breathing entity. A parasite within me, slowly eating away at me.
Suffocated, is the only suitable word to describe what I am feeling right now. And this is only the beginning, just a section of shame I will need to face. I just cannot handle it all at once, I am not strong enough, nor do I want to be strong enough for it. Separating and compartmentalising is the only way to get through this and even this feels like it’s killing me.
It is as if it attacking me, trying to undo everything I believe about myself now, everything I have learned, all I know now. I want to retreat, or even let it win. It’s so powerful, so big, so very real and so, so familiar- too familiar. Sickeningly, comfortingly familiar.
Now all I can do is wait; ground, comfort myself and wait.