Home » My Journey » Feeling.


I don’t feel well.

I wish it were PTSD, I can handle PTSD.. I know how to cope, I know what to do.

This though, what am I to do with this? Each day I wake hoping it will hurt just a tiny bit less. It doesn’t though, it gets worse, it gets harder.

My soul is aching, my heart is broken. I am devastated. And I am fighting with everything I have to not feel, to not cry, to not allow this to happen. I don’t care if it good for me, I don’t care it I need this, I don’t care- I suffered enough.


I am feeling things I have never felt before. It is as if my own feeling dial has been stuck on the lowest setting, even at times on mute. And the last two years I have been working towards getting ready to start turning up that dial.

Except now I have reached that point and turned up the dial at least some, I find myself wishing I could turn it right back down.

I feel more than I have ever felt before.

There are positives, I feel more love than I thought possible. I adore my family, my love for my husband has grown immensely. I feel joy even when I think of my children, a joy I didn’t know existed..


But Oh, I hurt. I don’t even know what all these feelings are. I don’t recognise them, they are not familiar to me. Some of these are things other people my age have probably been feeling for years. Most though I am sure are feelings no one should ever have to feel.

I am lost and out of my depth.

It hurts.


The scariest thing is, that dial has only turned up a notch, my feelings are still somewhat muted. I am still holding back. If it can get worse, how will I cope?

I am not strong enough, I am simply not strong enough. I feel confident of that. I didn’t feel for a reason- so I could survive. How do I survive if I let myself feel now?

I don’t want this, I don’t want to feel the reality as well as know it. Knowing was enough.  I do not want to remember. Oh how I wish I could un-remember.

I am a wreck, I can barely sleep, when I do the nightmares seem constant. I don’t want to eat, nothing tastes how it should. I hate working, I hate leaving the house. I feel almost aggressive to a co worker who makes me remember while I should be working…

I don’t care about my job, about turn around times, deadlines or completions. I don’t care about being on time, I don’t care. I want to lock the front door and never leave my home again. Yet at the same time, I want to run, run somewhere I don’t have to think, somewhere I don’t have to remember anymore.

I know too much. I have seen too much and now I feel it. Sometimes I wonder if God is trying to destroy me. Is that crazy? Am I crazy?

I am fighting this as hard as I can, but I am feeling it anyway and I know I need to be heard. Friday seems a long way away. I need my T, his support, his guidance, his calm and gentle voice. I need to talk.

I need to tell how hard it was, I need to explain what it was to be a victim, how terrifying and lonely a place that is.

I need someone to know those scary thoughts that I am tapping into right now. I need to be understood, I need others to know how it is to feel that way. I need someone to know what it is to remember how badly I willed my life to end back then. It’s a terrifying place to be.


So I am holed up in my husbands office, waiting it out, while he tries to work and the children play in the next room. Waiting to feel better. Waiting for it to end.






8 thoughts on “Feeling.

  1. It sounds to me like some of the fights I had as I was going for trapped in my past to fighting for the life I wanted. For me, it was confusing, painful beyond words, and dark, very dark. I too did not recognize the things going on.
    With the help of others I came to recognize it as have made great moves forward to being and living who I really was. But that survival part of me that had always kept me alive did not recognize it as a good challenge to me. It went into overdrive to fight the fight it had learned through years and decades of trying to keep me safe. Safe for it was not always what was good for me or others around me but for that other part of me it was all it felt it could do.
    That part of me started to feel like a deamon in my life. Fighting every positive I accomplished. It wasn’t a deamon though. It just has to learn like I did. We had to learn that we were in a safer place and we did not need to fight so hard to protect me mentally. Things were going to be okay and together WE would find that peace between us and our NEW LIFE.
    I still have times when that other me try’s to step in and I have to work to keep US calm. But that is a much easier fight with each passing day. Do I think it will ever stop popping into my life? No. It was something that was a part of me for so long that I feel it is still with me to remind me of my past so I can try. Try to help others as others helped me. We Are our Brothers Keepers.

    Only By The Grace Of God…..

  2. I wrote this the other day. I hope it lets you know,


    I question myself sometimes about putting myself out there on topics like suicide and depression and everything that goes along with it. I haven’t had much, but I have had some tell me that its just to call attention to myself. I don’t really care what their opinion is but if the timing of it is at one of the low point my life rotates through it can be momentarily harder to shake off.
    I, like most everyone that speaks out on their deeply personal struggles, don’t do it for personal notoriety. We do it to let others know that they too can get through this moment, this one minute by minute point in their life.
    We know all to well how easy the answer looks to put an end to all the pain. We know what it is to be so lost. So lost inside ones own self. We know what it is like to feel like you are going to explode from everything that is pushing on the inside trying to escape out into the light but we don’t want others to see how ugly our life is. We know how the happy face works to keep people thinking all is well when they ask how we are and their face tells you they know something is wrong. We know what it is like to walk to the very razors edge of eternity and know that the very next second of life may never come. We know that it is not the selfish act that so many want to call it. It is an act of desperation that no person can find a way to translate it into words, We know they see it as a solution and they don’t see the ripple that it will cause. We know how lonely they feel. How removed they feel. How dark the world feels. How it feels when you have fallen so far that you see no light. When you feel no love. When you feel no God. When you feel nothing. Feel nothing except that you want it to all stop. You want it to stop. It has to stop. You cant go on. You have nothing left inside that wants to fight for survival. What its like to think no one will miss you and they will be better off without you.
    We understand it all. We lived it. We survived it. That is why we do it. We survived it. We are survivors and we owe it to anyone else out there that is fighting to stay among us. We owe it to anyone that has given up. We owe it to our Father in Heaven to do everything that we can do to call attention to the fact that with help, anything can be overcome. Anything can be survived. Nothing on the face of this earth is worth killing yourself for. We know how utterly alone you feel and want you to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ALONE AND YOU NEVER WILL BE ALONE. God has been with you the entire time. He has tried to put answers before you but the decision to accept them has been left up to you. Sometimes it may be that friend or even a stranger that speaks to you in a way that sys, I care. There were time that for me, it gave me just enough to get a little farther down the road. Yes it would be great if He just waved a hand and all was well but that kind of healing is very rare. We want our free will and that comes with a price.
    I stand up in front before small groups and before entire church congregations and even one on one telling my story. My story that I would just as soon forget. But one that I have been compelled to share. Compelled to share by the one that was with me through it all. The one that supplied me that individual that showed me that they meant the little moment we shared was meaningful. God has put it on my heart to help spread his words of hope and love and grace, Not because I am some kind of great Christian, because I am not. No, I’m not a saint. I am a sinner and He loves me right where I am in my life. But He is not finished working on me. He has called me to share the very worst of my life. To share the hurt done to me and the hurt I did to others. The very worst this world has to offer but also the very best as well. To share my struggles with my ghost and demons. And to share His victory over them. To share His love He feels for us and the deep pain He feels with us. God is the only reason I sit here. There is nothing I did that kept me here. It was all God and His intervention that kept me here. It was all God and His intervention that kept me here. So here is a self promotion. Want to talk, just let me know. Are you interested in hearing more of my life and what God has done for me? Get in touch. I don’t care if I only talk to one person at a time. It doesn’t mean that you need the help, it means that through my story, you may be able to be that one individual that make the difference at a crucial time in someone else’s live and you may never even realize it…

    Only By The Grace Of God…….

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  3. Pingback: Feeling. | Onlybythegraceofgod's Blog

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