*Trigger warning- Suicide.*
At times this week, I am finding I feel almost hopeless. I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
I hope, I believe, I never give up. That is me.
This is not me.
I woke this morning feeling terrible, in agony and with unwanted and scary thoughts.
After some time with my husband and a long shower in attempt to comfort myself, I found I had a moment of clarity. A blessed relief, a realisation. A dose of strength.
What is happening for me now isn’t depression, I am not depressed, instead I am feeling what I could not back then. I don’t say this lightly, especially given the recent tragic death of a well loved actor, but the depths of despair and hopelessness I have felt at times over the last few days, have been far too familiar and far too scary. In my moment of clarity this morning, I was able to realise and tell myself that while these feelings are real, they are not about now. I was depressed, I am not depressed. I was suicidal, I am not suicidal.
A badly needed dose of strength pushed me to my feet this morning and I hope will get me through until my therapy session tomorrow.
I cannot tell you how conflicting this is for me. I am back at forth between 14 and 31. Wanting it to end and wanting to live.
I am cautious to post this, because I am aware some people reading this are in that place I was at 14. Where they are deeply depressed, where they wish it would end, where they obsess over ways they will bring about that end. I do not want to detract from that in any way. That is the worst- and I guess that is what I am saying. I remember and I feel it. And at times this week I am struggling to keep afloat, to be 31 with my hopes and dreams. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless all the time. I remember now. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Thank you for the support. Thank you for holding my hand.
It is hard and there are times I fear I am simply not strong enough, but I won’t give in. I swear.
I know how to do it, I did it before and even if it takes time, I know I can save myself.