In the beauty of my garden, with the sun warming my back, surrounded by pretty flowers and amazing trees and all I can think of is you.
All my thoughts are on you. I see you, I see the ugliness of your heart and the iciness of your soul. You have my attention now. You, the man (and I can barely bring myself to type that) who broke me. Broke my heart, crushed my spirit, made me want to die. It’s you that has my attention. Not the love, not the tenderness, nor the compliments or the gifts- no not the lie.
I see you. The monster abuser, the sadist. My rapist.
You never saw me, you didn’t know me, you don’t know me. I see you. I couldn’t then, I didn’t dare look, the truth was too much to comprehend, even the idea was unbearable, but I see you now.
I am no longer 14, I am grown and I am strong, I am so much bigger than you and you know what? Even at 14 I was stronger than you, I survived more than you ever could. And if I were standing before you now, it is you who would quiver, it is you who would break. I would look into your eyes and I’d stare you down.
You cannot hurt me now, you don’t scare me. I swear I’d force you to your knees in the way you so often forced me to mine.
This week I thought you had broken me again, I feared you were destroying me all over again. I could smell you, I could feel you, Oh God, you were so very close. I wanted to die. I admit it, a part of me was done, so very done.
But today, my T stood with me as I faced you again. And he saw my pain. He saw what you did. He saw me in a way you never ever did and in a way you never, ever could. He reminded me that you are weak, you were always weak and me, well, I am survivor, a true survivor.
So it is true, I cannot help but think of you right now and though I hate that, I need to see you, so I can find myself.
Don’t you dare get comfortable, don’t you dare think you are at home within my mind or settled in my heart. I am no longer your ghost, I will no longer be your shadow. This is for me, this is so I can let you go.
One day soon, you will be on your knees (and when I am done standing over you) I will turn and I will finally walk away.