However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light
~ Stanley Kubrick.
Yes, absolutely. It’s not always easy though, is it?
Sometimes it seems almost impossible to find the smallest light within the overpowering darkness. I have done it though, back when the dark was all around me, choking any flicker of light. Even then, I found it eventually, I found my way through. I saved myself back then and I am saving myself now. If I don’t continue to shine a light on this darkness, who will do it for me?
This week I am aware more than ever at how alone I was. I found myself forced to face that reality this week- the agonising, raw and terrifying truth that has remained hidden in the lies I accepted in order to survive.
I don’t need those lies anymore, so my T tells me- I hope he is right, because I sometimes find myself wishing I was still in the dark, so to speak. I seem to be searching for a safety net I didn’t know existed until it left me this week. The lies are poisonous and secrets keep the memories alive- but oh the truth is so very painful.
As I have mentioned in previous recent blog posts, I cannot help but remember when I was attacked at 17. It isn’t far from my mind right now. Today I find myself drawing strength from that terrible night, from my own healing and from the freedom I am beginning to feel.
I suspect I am moving to a new stage of healing with that awful night. I have been quite concerned at the timing- I have enough going on with where I am at in therapy right now. However, perhaps this, like so many other things over the last two years, it will actually prove to be perfect timing.
As much as I try to separate all the many incidents I have suffered, the further forward I journey, the harder that is becoming. Perhaps those boxes I have relied on for so long are broken down enough to enable me to see and feel multiple incidents at once. While that is scary, maybe it isn’t just about pain, maybe, those that are well on the way to healing can help with those that are still in the early stages?
That night has so many similarities with where I am at now, not just actual memories of other incidents, but in terms of how I felt before, during and particularly after. Perhaps this has something to do with the need to dredge up that night again, to look at the feelings, to look at the rejection and abandonment, to feel the loneliness and pain.
And there’s also another need, a desire and a want for some kind of closure from that night. As much as I hate it when my T uses that word “closure”, I need it. I need closure. Can I work on that at the same time as everything else? Can they help each other along?
Maybe this doesn’t make sense, yet I believe that my continued healing from that awful night could actually be the very light I need right now. The light that will shine through the darkness that is so close right now.