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Alone. One day.

Your family are out and you are busy tidying up the destruction only two small children can make.

In your son’s room, wading through the pieces of plastic and tiny bits of Lego you are trying to find the floor among the chaos.

On your knees, picking up the pieces of a board game, paying attention to the colour, the texture of the pieces of plastic animals in your grip, you are ensuring to keep grounded while you are alone.

When you look up and out of the window at the sun breaking through the clouds, at the beauty of the green trees that almost but not quite, block the sun.

The sun is like a spotlight- you on your knees, looking right up. And you can’t contain it, just for a few moments, you just can’t keep it in any longer.

As much as you fight it, even though you try to block it out with your hand, it keeps on shining down on you. Shining so brightly, which seems so very wrong because you are paralysed. On your knees and paralysed by your grief, by an agony that no one you know could ever begin to imagine.

You fight it, you battle it with every piece of you, but still you can’t move. So you pray. You beg for it to stop and you wonder if He is listening, if He even gives a shit, because He never seemed to back then..

You are alone now, as alone as always. So you push it away and you get to your feet, like a thousand times before.  With a throbbing head, you reflect on the loneliness, the pain and on almost breaking down.

You wonder if it will ever be safe to let go and you reach the usual conclusion:

One day. Maybe one day you will feel safe enough to let it out. Maybe one day, you won’t feel so alone.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Alone. One day.

  1. Drear friend,
    You are never alone. God knows when were angry, he knows we will tell him so. Job was very anger, he yelled at God but he never lost faith. Life throws a lot of shit around, I’ve had my share, we all have, some worse than others. Yell if you need, cry all you want, don’t turn your back and heart on God. He gave his only Son so we can live. I’ve had many years to work thru my pain and anger. I turn to Job when it gets overwhelming. I wish you all the best. 🙂

    • Thank you. I appreciate your comment. I am glad your faith brings you comfort. I pray, when ptsd allows I read the bible, I have done so all my life. When I was laying under my abuser I prayed and nothing. Ever since, nothing. I haven’t turned my back even tho I feel alone. It feels like He has turned his back on me. The bible does not bring comfort, just reminds me of the abuse. I try. But sometimes I wonder why I bother. God is real. I just wish he saw me.

      • I understand your feelings, been there many times. I have come to see that God puts a pile of shit in our way to get us ready for the next challenge. Life is an ongoing challenge, how we handle in the face of adversity is what God looks at. Get mad, tell him how mad you are. God knows we get angry, share your thoughts and ask for help. You many not see it soon but he wont turn his back on you if you have faith. Read the Book of Job. I turn to Job when I’m angry and don’t understand why I shit pile after another. I’m hear, take my hand anytime you need help. I’ve been thru trauma, maybe we can help each other. 🙂

  2. I’m thinking of you just as much ..I know that one day will come and be a joy of relief big time.
    Lov lisa

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