I do what I can to avoid news as much as possible, I have enough going on.. yet unless I shut myself away and never leave the house, I am going to come across some of it sometimes.
Death, destruction, rape, war- so many people dying, famine, disease, persecution. Doesn’t it make you ache?
I have been so bitter the last few days, bitter and angry. Hating God and hating the world around me. I am somewhat upset with myself for that now.
I know I am entitled to feel what I feel, but what kind of person am I if I carry rage in my heart? I don’t want to add more hate to a world already consumed by it.
It’s not who I am or who I want to be. I love, I care, I put everyone in front of me, perhaps sometimes to my own detriment, nonetheless, it is who I prefer to be.
Those turning a blind eye to abuse, those continuing to victim blame- they fill me with rage. I find myself thinking thoughts that scare me, a type of hate that will eat away at you. If I hate, then surely I am no better than them?
We cannot solve things with hate and violence. I don’t believe that, I will never believe that.
There is enough hate, enough persecution, enough rape, enough war, enough murder. These are hate fueled actions that I want no part in.
Tonight, this week, the last month, all have been truly awful. There are moments where I wish for the end. Sometimes, I am so hurt, I can barely control the rage, I cannot see past the red fog that descends where I find myself wanting to push everyone away. Where I fear I will tell you all and everyone I know, to fuck off and leave me alone. In those moments I want them and you to see that hateful side of me, because so often, I fear it is the true me.
Then the storm blows over for a short time and I pull myself out of the debris. The rage subsides and I find my heart- expecting it to be shattered in pieces, but instead, while bruised it remains whole. Full of love and forgiveness, not hate, not rage.
So if you ever see that hating side, I ask in advance, please forgive me, it is not who I am or who I ever want to be.