I wish I could have spent several hours with my T. He gets it.. he really gets it. He said he thought of me this week when the news over Rotherham hit headlines this week..
Today, he was leaning forward in his seat, watching me carefully, trying to tease out the way I feel about all of this.
His concern and his understanding certainly worked as I exploded with anger and pain, I was shaking so badly, I could barely get the words out.
I am angry for the victims. I am angry at the victim blaming. I am angry with the Police, with Social services and every other person who failed and continues to fail victims of sexual abuse. It is too personal, too close to what I have been discussing in therapy of late.
I am angry for myself, for the failings of others. I am angry that the Police did nothing, that they shouted at me and made me feel ashamed. I am angry at the Drs who said nothing, the teachers who did not report it….
Too many people saw, but chose not to really see what was going on.
I am angry that the new footing I have found seems to be lost. It’s like a backward step in my own self belief. I have only just reconnected with the rest of the world. Only just become confident enough in what I believe and what I know.. and now I am being dragged back. Dragged back into a world I wish did not exist, one that abused me and let me be abused, one that left me to be repeatedly raped by a violent and sadistic child abuser.
Earlier I told my T I feel as if I have been raped again.
I am triggered and I am hurting. I feel like the world is against me, I am even arguing with my husband over his innocent comments- that I am finding fault with. I considered leaving, taking the car and just driving, driving far away… but the cries of my children playing stopped me. How can I do anything but cope?