Home » Therapy » PTSD, abuse and being you even though it makes others uncomfortable.

PTSD, abuse and being you even though it makes others uncomfortable.

There is no getting used to some PTSD symptoms is there?

Nightmares and the resulting body memories particularly right now. I am thankful that my symptoms have improved greatly over the last year or so. As we move away from disclosure and into feeling and telling “my story” the PTSD symptoms are up and down. Last week, very much up, this week, until today, not so bad.

Last night was my first nightmare in a couple of weeks. I am glad about that. Once I was plagued by nightmares every time I went to sleep.

One nightmare about my abuser is still too many. Waking up next to my husband and fearing, just for a second, he is my abuser, is one second too many. Terror. Utter terror.

Why does terror make me feel weak and embarrassed? I am still so afraid of what he did. I hate that. Afraid of my own memories, scared in my own skin.

 

All those abuse survivors, living that way right now- the millions- it breaks my heart. The recent news estimated 1400 victims of abuse at the hands of a group of men in Rotherham- I cannot get them out of my head. What they must be going through still 😦

The abuse may end, but the effects do not. They were failed, we were failed. I was failed. And I continue to live with what was done to me.

 

I rejoined Facebook recently and while not intended, I am back to sharing things I am sure most of my Facebook friends would rather not know. Nothing about the abuse- but how I am feeling and how I am coping. The last few days I have had an inner battle where I have wondered if it was a mistake to go back on Facebook. I know I irritate people, people have actually blocked me because of the things I post.

This morning, once I calmed down from the nightmare and possibly even as a result of the nightmare, I decided that if everyone on Facebook wants to block me, then so be it. It says a lot about them.

Why should I be quiet about this? People need to know the devastation of abuse. They need to know that is does not end when the abuse ends. Everyone should know that turning a blind eye hands that person a life sentence. My family and friends need to know what  I go through. I’ve hidden it for far too long. I have protected them and suffered endlessly for it as a result.

The abuse has to stop. I cannot leave it to other people. So I won’t shut up and if you don’t like it then don’t read it.

I cannot understand the resentment towards me, I am hated because I was abused, hated because I am surviving, hated because I refuse to be silent. Why hate me? Hate the men that violated me. Haven’t I been hurt enough?

I know some of what I say and do is a reminder to those that have also been abused. I am a trigger and while I am sorry for their experiences, I will not apologise for being me. I am careful about what I write, I am mindful that I can trigger others, but I won’t keep my feelings to myself just to make other people comfortable. I did not ask for this, I did not choose this life.

If you need to hate me for that, then go ahead. I am not stopping. I am who I am and I feel what I feel.

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11 thoughts on “PTSD, abuse and being you even though it makes others uncomfortable.

  1. I totally relate to that. I tend to share media stories and my opinion on matters related to my own trauma and have often got caught up in heated arguments – especially when faced with narrow minded ignorant comments. To them it’s just a few typed comments, to me it causes a day of misery and anxiety. But Facebook is a place to be myself and a place for you to connect with people you should be able to be open and honest with. I’ve never understood people that have 100s of contacts but none of whom they could call on the phone at any time. If you’re comfortable, be free. It paves the way for other survivors and I think you’d be amazed how many people you have probably already helped x

    • Thank you. I will be posting an inflammatory comment on FB shortly- will see how many people delete me, or simply ignore it. 😦 Meh. I can’t be someone I am not. Unfortunately, part of who I am is as a result of the abuse- it’s something I have to talk about and someone I have to be.

  2. Don’t feel bad about reaching out. If people block you then that’s their choice and their loss. People have the ability to hide you in their news feed if they feel triggered reading it. It’s not your place to make sure others feel comfortable and if reaching out and talking about it helps you, good on you for doing it 🙂

  3. I think you make a really good point….why should we be silent? We were made to be silent for enough years…not any more! As for Facebook, if people choose to block you, it’s partly ignorance; it’s trying to ‘brush it under the carpet’ which is exactly the advice my mother was given by the health authorities at the time I told of one of my abusers.It’s also their loss. Your FB page is yours – you can post whatever you like. If people don’t like it, nobody is forcing them to look! Good for you for being so honest and open. Take care x 🙂

  4. I so understand what you saying. .and wish just one day I could get here and tell my family to ..it’s the incredible embarrassment and shame for myself and fear of how they will react!
    Thank you for saying it just how it is!
    Lisa

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