Home » Therapy » Epic rant- or perhaps more of a plea (and it ain’t pretty)

Epic rant- or perhaps more of a plea (and it ain’t pretty)

“Trigger warning* I haven’t held back all that much (and why the heck should I?)

 

Shiiiiit week.. completely shit. In flashback and body memory hell for a few days now. They are hitting in waves- I get a few hours at most between them. Plus lots of other stuff too- pain, anger and all manner of unwanted feelings. YUCK.

 

Therapy helped some. Advice, encouragement, some changes to goals, etc etc. 

I also had a lot of validation today too. The thing is with this being plunged back into the past, all the guilt and shame and self hatred is very close again. It’s easy to get sucked back into downplaying and minmising. It was a relief to have validation today. 

Because this was real. It is real. My T said it must feel more than a reminder, it must feel like the Police, the government and even the general public are speaking to me personally- saying all the things I heard back then and have dragged around with me for so, very long. 

It feels personal. It makes me want to find the Police sergeant who yelled at me, to tell him what his actions (or lack of) left me in. To make him see how he contributed to my guilt and then left me with it. I want him to know that he was one of the reasons I was left to be abused for 7 years. That his arresting and then releasing my abuser, not only increased the severity of my abuse, but sent the message to my abuser that he could get away with it and pretty much told me “you are on your own”. In fact, worse than that “you are on your own and it’s all your fault”. I wonder if he would sleep soundly at night, if he knew those things. I am not sure if any answer would provide me any comfort right now. How many individuals could I ask those questions to? Would it change anything?

 

How did this happen to so many people? Why was this done to so many- I don’t just mean the abuse- the response? It’s too close, it is so damn triggering.

The victim blaming, I’ve known for so long, is so real now.. it’s like being 14 again. And the memories, the trauma.

God, the brutality. 

I feel raped again right now- still. I wake up each day, and feel raped. Violated. Used. Again. Wasn’t I used enough back then?

Fucked over by too many people. I know I have to face that, but in my time- like I was doing- in control and at my own pace. The aim in therapy is to never, ever, feel like it’s happening all over again. Well it does feel that way. Like it’s being done to me, all over again. 

Fucked by my abuser (and yes pun (heartbreakingly) intended), fucked by the system, fucked by everyone who should have known better and who should be protecting teen girls, not blaming them and shaming them. Apparently teen girls don’t matter. Apparently I didn’t matter and that’s how it was and how it felt.

I don’t matter and that’s how it feels right now. I was raped- who cares? I was a teen- a girl, who apparently, should have magically known better- who should have some how preempted the grooming and the abuse and put a stop to it. Just a teen girl, who was supposed to have the power to influence the actions of a grown man. My fault, for being a girl, for having developing breasts and a vagina. My fault for enticing a man who just couldn’t resist the pull of an inexperienced, clueless, virgin. How dare I think I was more than just an object? How dare I think that as a teen girl I could possibly be worth more than a set of holes to be conquered and claimed and used?  How stupid of me, to think that I was going to be rescued from what society had groomed me and every other teen girl to be. I don’t matter.

I don’t give a shit what others say- this is a mans world. And I am so sick- physically sick, at the abuse of girls and women. We are not lesser people, we are not born to please men. Animals are treated better than women- what kind of world are we living in? Please, God, I beg you to help end this. I can’t do it, I just can’t- but someone, actually a lot of someones, have to. No one should have to feel like I do in this moment. I was last raped just under 10 years ago and right now it feels like 10 hours ago- no one should have to be violated and no one should have to go through the horror of re living it years later. No one.

End this. Please.

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Epic rant- or perhaps more of a plea (and it ain’t pretty)

  1. I’m sorry, I don’t feel able to say much atm as I’m in a state of being almost permanently triggered. But I just wanted to send safe hugs (if okay) and say I’m so sorry you too suffered abuse by the so called “justice” system. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. None of it was your fault and you deserved a far better response than you got.

  2. You’re right, no one deserves it. You didn’t deserve it. They deserve the blame. They deserve the anger. You don’t deserve the torture. Take care care of yourself x

  3. You are caught in this vicious cycle – unfortunately the triggers are so strong that you are overwhelmed. And I hate to say this, “but you are allowed to feel this way – it is your right.” Honor it. And sad to say again, “You have to relive this – in order to release all the anger, the grief, the frustration, the pain – and it IS ugly – and it FEELS awful and terrifying and overwhelming.” But – it has to be – because in order to really begin to move forwards, you need to live it – but from the point of anger.

    There is little justice in a system that refuses to acknowledge people, regardless of gender, as humans. Many, unfortunately most are girls or women, fall through the gaping holes in the system. You have every damn right to be furious – and – despondent – because clearly – you have compassion and empathy.

    I know this may not feel like it helps – but – you have already taken the hardest steps in recovery and healing — by acknowledging your abuse – and seeking help. The process is – long – it is painful and it feels like death 1000 times over – but it is death – in some ways – and the process we experience when grieving for the loss of a loved one, or friend etc., is the same —- but more intense – because it is WHOLLY PERSONAL.

    You need to grieve for the LOST You.

    I know this is one awful roller coaster ride — but in every small way that you can honor your feelings – letting all the anger and “ugly” (not referring to you at all – it’s just what I have taken to calling it personally) out – then do it. Don’t project – protect – yourself.

    It’s difficult to be sure – because the pain just won’t let you go – and all you desperately want is peace – love – safety —- and it will come. It’s harder still because you live your life – one that you have created – and I can bet you question it and it’s reality — but remember one thing, if possible — if you have unconditionally loving support from those closest to you – then work with them, and let them help you – allow yourself the gift of grief.

    Prayers and Light to you.

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