I got through a challenge last night/ this morning- I am pleased with myself, somewhere inside. Yet the PTSD is trying to ruin it- or actually I think I prefer to blame the cause.
It is HIM, what HE did. HE caused the nightmares last night, HE caused these PTSD symptoms. HIM.
He was there every time I closed my eyes, turning my dreams into my nightmares. Fighting, battling against him all night long. My T was there, in those dreams and though I don’t remember specifics, I know he was with me- I guess I really do rely on him now? Scary. At least I wasn’t alone this time.
I wish I could etch him from my memory, what he caused for me, but right in this moment, mostly, what he did. It’s swimming around my head, memories I am having to control. I could smell him. I still smell him. How do you describe it to someone who hasn’t lived it? How do you explain, really, truly explain what it is to have flashbacks and body memories? They are more vivid than other memories. It isn’t recalling, it is reliving. In recent posts, I’ve referred to feeling raped/ violated again. It was a feeling brought on my the huge trigger of a news story. Really though, it is how I feel every time I am struggling with flashbacks.
The flashbacks have been frequent the last few weeks, but they were fading, until my therapy session Friday. Last night I found myself suddenly scared out of my head, for a few moments as I checked the locks and wondered if he knew where I was, would the doors keep him out? Then a flashback of his violence and power that he so often demonstrated. Terrifying.
Something was different after my session on Friday which I know is at least in part behind the fears and flashbacks- it will be progress once I am through it, I hope. Feeling that abandonment, rejection and loneliness again has changed some of my understanding and the way I perceive things. Right now, old fears are back, though thankfully, not as intrusive as they once were-but I do not want to minimise- fearing my rapist could hurt me again is no walk in the park.
Therapy is the hardest thing I have ever done, the further I get into it, the harder it becomes. Hoping to find some peace from this today.