Home » My Journey » Holding back.

Holding back.

Sharing my story is always difficult, the first time is always the hardest, but it’s not like it ever becomes an easy thing to do. It does change over time though and I never regret it.

Yesterday was agony. Agony and exhausting. While attempting to share some of my story of that night, there were moments where I felt as if I wanted to climb out of my own head so I could escape the horror of my own memories, yet I was spurred on by a need, a desire and will that I have come to trust.

These memories are like a poison or an ugliness that I have been forced to carry for way too long..it does not and has never belonged inside me. I imagine it as a dark liquid, so dark it is almost black. At times it is calm, almost still and I can pretend it isn’t there, but then there are times when it is like it is bubbling, like it is boiling and I am burning from the inside out. I have to purge it all  in order to survive. While that purging is agony in itself, there is always a blissful relief when it is finally out.

 

Yesterday, on my blog post I held back, greatly. Letting out just enough to feel a release. I remember that night in detail, I remember it all. Every sick thing they did, every word they said, the terror I felt, what I did to get through it… and part of me wishes I could have shared it all. There was/ is such a need to get it all out again… but here is not the right place.

 

Telling is painful and that is to be expected isn’t it? I am fearful of the pain, of course, fearful of over sharing, fearful of making others uncomfortable, but it is the fear of rejection that paralyses me. If I tell and you leave, if I tell and you ask me to stop, if I tell and you treat me differently, if I tell and you do not believe me. That is truly terrifying for me. After all I have been through I believe the deepest scar is from the rejection and abandonment. I fear those more than anything else is this world. So I hold back. I always hold back.

 

It may not have seemed like much..just a few words to describe a horrific and disturbing incident…but sharing my story in that way on here, was incredibly hard and horribly painful. It was the hardest post I have ever written.

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9 thoughts on “Holding back.

  1. And many people read it, heard it. They believed you, they weren’t uncomfortable, they will continue to read your blog and support you. You were courageous, you are still the same person and we are here x

  2. I understand how incredibly hard it is to write such a post.
    In my experience in is natural and safe to hold back some of the detail, from our friends, family, police, therapists, “the internet’ just to keep a little bit or our privacy and dignity for ourselves. Even when we go for full on disclosure,

    I can’t promise that I’ll always read. I don’t wait in eagerness for your every post. But when I read I’m always moved by your story and the brave and open way you are embracing your recovery. Your story is horrific and well although there is no hierarchy in survivor experience I’m always in awe of the magnitude of want you endured and that you’re here to tell the tale.

    I don’t always read all of each of your posts. But I feel safe to read your blog because you put a trigger warning. It may be too much one day, and not another. Who knows what our individual vulnerabilities and triggers will at any given time. But the beauty of blogging is that there will always be someone out there who is able to hear you at any given time.

    Keep blogging. Keep putting down as much or as little as you want to.

    Stay strong.

  3. Don’t stop on our account – pour out what you need to for your own healing.

    We believe you, we won’t abandon you.

  4. I believe you. And I read all of your posts. I’m just catching up now. Sorry for a slow response. I’ve tons of blogs to read lol. I thought you were very brave to share like you did. XX

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