Home » My Journey » Beauty and light.

Beauty and light.

I found this very emotional to write, but also helpful, I feel as if I have released a lot within this post. 

*There are some potential triggers further down (another warning is posted) please be careful.*

 

I cannot escape the past, it is hitting all at once. My body aches from memories of what I once endured. My legs and thighs are screaming at me, every single time I move. The abdominal cramps hit in waves, taking my breath away. 

So I fill my home with flowers, because I don’t know what else to do. 

I admit I am utterly miserable. I am quiet today and a little withdrawn. With little energy to do much else, I am remembering as if it were yesterday, the first time, the group rape and many others.

So I have filled my home with flowers in an attempt to comfort and distract.

This month is so triggering, there is nowhere for me to hide. My body remembers even where my mind will not. I am trapped. Trapped by time, trapped by this season. Trapped. 

So like so many days before, my home is filled with flowers. Today yellows and reds are dressing each window sill. 

My home is beautiful, my home is clean and comforting, the beauty I create is not only important on days like today for my own sanity but is crucial for my healing.

 

*Trigger warning*

I remember the first few times in vivid detail, the dust, the dirt, the smell, the chaos and the dark. There was this sense of foreboding that seemed to sort of ooze from the walls. I remain disturbed by the memories of that environment.

It was like another world, one no one should ever have to experience. There were screams and shouts from the other flats around us and within that chaos we were alone in the dark and there on a mattress of filth upon filth, there on blood stains of past abuse…my innocence was so brutally taken. 

And it was there where the stains were soon mine, it was there that I swear, a part of me died and it was there I grew to fear the dark and loathe the dirt. It is there, my mind so often takes me to, it is there I have to fight to return from… every. single. day. 

So I fill my home with flowers and bask in their beauty. I light candles, I am soothed by the gentle flicker and comforted by their scent. I surround myself in light, in blankets and in cushions and in textures and in patterns, in quiet and in peace.

I cannot help but fear that a part of me still resides back there. Therefore all the beauty I surround myself with is to chase away the darkness that I fear will imprison the rest of me. In the light, he can no longer harm me. 

 

Quotation-Elsie-De-Wolfe-life-Meetville-Quotes-87371

 

 

I strive to create beauty, I strive to create light. Right now it is for me, but I hope one day for many others too. And that, I pray, will be my life. 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Beauty and light.

  1. Keep working it out through your writing and any other way that you can vent it. I know the memories and the way the body remembers. I understand how easy it is to be triggered. I was nine when it started and twenty eight when I escaped. I was around forty two went my past broke through to my present. I am now fifty seven. It has taken many years to be to where I am. I still deal with the memories and thoughts of that time. My body still remembers everything forced upon it. But I have gotten to a place that let’s me control the impact they have on me most of the time. Timing is always the wild card though. If I am having a day where I am dealing with my other physical issues from the accidents, I may be mentally drained and they take advantage of that. But I don’t let them stay. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s a huge pain in the ass. But it’s a fight that is worth fighting and I’ll be damned if I will let that son of a bitch have any more of my life. Fight the fight for you. Tell those sons of bitchs to go F themselves and they can’t have your life anymore. Tell them they never had the real you. They are nothing but shit. Scream at them. Take a baseball bat to an old tire and beat the shit out of them. Direct all that is negative into destroying those memories of them. I did it, and it felt soooo good.
    Remember I am always here for you and so are many others.
    Hugs, Prayers and Love to you,
    Only By The Grace Of God,
    David (Bill) Lester

  2. friend you are so strong…you inspire me…i hate that you had to live this but am so proud as i take part on your journey to freedom and healing from it all ❤ miss you

  3. I love flowers and candles too. I love to be in my lovely garden and out there, there is peace where you can just focus on the plants and flowers.

  4. Your post brought tears. Telling it here is exactly the right place. Toss it to the winds, the air, the universe. I am so sorry for all they did. I can hear all the ‘blackness’. May your rooms within be filled with flowers too! : )

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