Do you ever just want to shout it out, or go public in some way? Tell everyone who thinks they know you that actually, they have no clue. Do you ever wish that they knew?
I do. I get tired of the secrets and lies.
It isn’t my fault that I cannot. I am not afraid of being open, I am not afraid of others knowing. Instead it’s the lack of control once it’s out there. What they will think and what they will say, what would they do? From bitter experience I know that it won’t be what I want or need.
A little while ago, someone commented on my blog, supporting my need to be open, encouraging me to just say it, to tell everyone. This person shared the positive experience she had from doing that. I was glad for her and heartbroken at the same time. I do not share her positive experience. I found myself wondering if it was my fault or those I knew?
Perhaps I need to surround myself with the people who do care, truly care. Those, who when the shit hits the fan, are there, to help me clean up the mess. I can’t name many people who would do that for me. I could post on Facebook now, share the horror of what this day was for me 14 years ago, but that would only serve to make me suffer more. How many would care? How many would simply scroll down, so they can look away?
It’s on anniversaries when you remember the loneliness. Even when you are with friends, you can still be utterly alone. Alone to be hurt in the worst possible way. Surrounded on every side by a pack of animals, yet utterly alone. Discarded like a toy, bruised and bleeding, to then be deserted by everyone who once claimed to care. Just like before. Left to mop up the blood and to bandage the wounds alone. As always. Ridiculed and blamed by those you called friends. Once again.
Why did no one care? What did I do to be hated so much?
And this is why I cannot tell them and this is why I have always been strong. If I am not strong for myself, who would do it for me?
I write this with my boy snuggled into me, my baby sleeping upstairs and my amazing husband cooking my favourite food. Today, my Minister came over to be with me on this difficult day. I am not alone, not like before. I’ve been strong for so long, perhaps, tonight I don’t need to be strong. Just for tonight- now I am not alone, maybe I can cry now. Can I cry now?? Just for now. Because I can barely hold back the tears.