Do you ever just want to shout it out, or go public in some way? Tell everyone who thinks they know you that actually, they have no clue. Do you ever wish that they knew?

I do. I get tired of the secrets and lies.

It isn’t my fault that I cannot. I am not afraid of being open, I am not afraid of others knowing. Instead it’s the lack of control once it’s out there. What they will think and what they will say, what would they do? From bitter experience I know that it won’t be what I want or need.

A little while ago, someone commented on my blog, supporting my need to be open, encouraging me to just say it, to tell everyone. This person shared the positive experience she had from doing that. I was glad for her and heartbroken at the same time. I do not share her positive experience. I found myself wondering if it was my fault or those I knew?

Perhaps I need to surround myself with the people who do care, truly care. Those, who when the shit hits the fan, are there, to help me clean up the mess. I can’t name many people who would do that for me. I could post on Facebook now, share the horror of what this day was for me 14 years ago, but that would only serve to make me suffer more. How many would care? How many would simply scroll down, so they can look away?

It’s on anniversaries when you remember the loneliness. Even when you are with friends, you can still be utterly alone. Alone to be hurt in the worst possible way. Surrounded on every side by a pack of animals, yet utterly alone. Discarded like a toy, bruised and bleeding, to then be deserted by everyone who once claimed to care. Just like before. Left to mop up the blood and to bandage the wounds alone. As always. Ridiculed and blamed by those you called friends. Once again.

Why did no one care? What did I do to be hated so much?

And this is why I cannot tell them and this is why I have always been strong.  If I am not strong for myself, who would do it for me?

I write this with my boy snuggled into me, my baby sleeping upstairs and my amazing husband cooking my favourite food. Today, my Minister came over to be with me on this difficult day. I am not alone, not like before. I’ve been strong for so long, perhaps, tonight I don’t need to be strong. Just for tonight- now I am not alone, maybe I can cry now. Can I cry now?? Just for now. Because I can barely hold back the tears.

 

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “

    • 🙂 No need to be sorry at all. I love wordpress, I love that we can share out journeys together. I love that it makes you think when you read what others have and experience. I am glad you made me think and realise that I deserve better! I deserve to have people around me who would be there for me, especially after all I’ve been through.
      I think you empowered me to seek better once I have the energy to do so. I will not let poisonous people tear me down. So thank you!

  1. I have finally caught up on your blog. It gives me hope for healing, you have come so far in this journey.
    You didn’t do anything to be treated like that, it had nothing to do with you, everything to do with him. There is nothing wrong with you now, and there wasn’t then,
    You aren’t alone here. People read the words you write in your blog, and you’ve helped many others feel less alone.

    • 🙂 Thank you so much. And wow, you read it all! There is hope for healing, truly there is. I have tasted it, I have seen it, I have had whole days where I felt good. It’s not the case right now, but that’s to be expected, it is part of the journey and part of the healing. I hope you feel less alone too, I am here for you too.

      • I’m a bit obsessive about reading survivors blogs…..lol. It’s like reading a book that I can relate to. There are a few that I follow, and I had to read them from the beginning. I do feel less alone, the more I read, the more “normal” I feel, and less isolated in some ways. It’s a good feeling.

  2. I love the sound in your words. They are controlled and strong at the same time. I use every opportunity that come along and sometimes create the opportunity to tell of my past and all that I survived and what I do now because of that experience. I have seen a few shocked faces when I speak to groups both small and large. It’s that mix of shock and hurt that they feel when the come face to face with now knowing, personally, a survivor of the sexual perversion of a predator. Now it is not something that they just read in the paper and say to themselves, “that couldn’t happen to anyone I know personally.”
    You are Strong. You are Beautiful. You are a SURVIVOR. You are many things. You are no longer a VICTIM. You can Cry. You can Scream. But, you can Love. You can Laugh. You can Lay with your husband. You can Touch your Child that your Love produced. You are FREE to do so many things in your Life. Your past can not Control you. You are working so well at Controling it. We can’t make it go away or just ignore it. We work through it. We share it. We tear it down layer by layer. We expose it. We survive it. We deal with it. And we CONTROL it.
    Never give up. Never give in. Never deny yourself your needs. Never close out your loved ones. Never let that BASTERD that started this ever, ever win by taking you and making you a prisoner to the past. Own him and tell him just what you think of all that was done if only in a letter that may never be sent or read.
    But the hardest part of all is the forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forget or to ever be around them again. It is what we have to do if we ever expect to be forgiven for our trespasses. We all have them. I wrote the letter. I had it hand delivered to him by my pastor. I told him how I felt. I forgave him. And I told him not to ever try and contact me and to never, ever be seen by me. It TRUELY helped me.
    I wish these were conversations we could all have face to face. Writing in great but it takes me forever to control my brain and stay concentrated to type.
    As always,
    All my Hugs, Prayers and Love.
    Onlybythegraceofgod

  3. That sentiment of wanting to tell everyone? I completely identify with that. There are days I want to use the words as weapons and watch their faces fall in the telling. They have no idea the things that I am wrestling with or how strong I have had to become to stand up under them. They talk about how you have to be “careful” of veterans with PTSD and I want to say, “Oh really? I’ve had PTSD for over a year and you never noticed. Do you need to be careful of ME?” But I keep the smile plastered on my face instead. I wait, and only let the armor fall once I am alone.

    As good as it may feel to tell them all, I think you are wise not to. At least right now. You shouldn’t have to add the burden of peoples poor reactions to the things you are healing from. Maybe not all of them would react poorly… but they’re human. Eventually, someone would say or do something careless, perhaps without even knowing the effect it could have.

    For now, cocoon yourself among those you know are safe. It is okay to cry, you don’t have to be strong for them. Praying for you. And thank you for being brave enough to write, to speak up. You set a valiant example. We’re with you.

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