Thank you for the support following my last post, it’s good to know I am not alone.
I hate this month, it’s been worse than ever this year. I have barely had time to recover from the last anniversary when I have another to face.
I’ve denied it every year, I’ve pretended that I didn’t know the date, is that weird? That anniversary I posted about on Sunday, well the “official” date is today. Anniversaries can feel like days, with all the stuff that took place before and after and on certain days of the week etc.. but today is the date it took place- and I’ve never admitted that before. I suppose I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I didn’t want to face it. Another date on my calendar, another one to go through each year. It’s too much- isn’t it? How is one person supposed to handle this?
The anniversary on Monday, I prepared- I took the day off work even. Today, I will work, today I will take care of children, today I will just have to distract as always. This is too raw. I couldn’t possibly prepare for this date, when I’ve been denying it to myself.
My body knew, I woke with body memories, just like it was happening again. I feel used and abused.
I am triggered, I am hurting, I am weary. Drained from a month of anniversaries, of memories and for the first year- pain.
This is rambly, I am not sure I am even making sense.