Home » My Journey » Pain and shame.

Pain and shame.

A long and painful month. 31 days and we are at the end. Is this really the end? I fear it is only the beginning. I am only just learning to sit with feelings. I am only just beginning to feel the agony and rage. I am out of my depth and overwhelmed by things I have never experienced.

First day back in therapy today and it was intense. I was practically bursting when I got there, a secret that has been killing me. After the anniversary and body memories this week, it was time to tell. Except, I can’t switch off and just tell like I used to – telling as if it happened to someone else. That responsibility and that shame, choking each and every word so they could barely escape.

It took some time, but I told. Some. What I could. Then we sat, in silence. Feeling. Hurting. Fighting the shame. And then an intense and deeply touching “it wasn’t your fault” from my T and I had to leave. Leave because it hurt too much, leave before the crying started. Tears I feared would spill so ferociously, with such force that they’d drown me in seconds.

 

And now I am left with pain and with shame. What I did- if you knew, would you hate me? Judge me? I justified myself over and over today- for me, I guess. The things you have to do in that situation- to get out of it and especially, to save someone else….such loathing for those actions, for what I did. I know I have to work on transferring that to the one who is really responsible. I know my T is right, I know deep down it wasn’t my fault.. I just wish the rest of me would listen and I wish I’d pushed through the agony this afternoon and stuck around for more of his reassurance.

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7 thoughts on “Pain and shame.

  1. You’re so incredibly brave and strong. Please don’t ever blame yourself for something that’s out of your control. It all takes time, little steps at a time. Well done. ❤

  2. “What I did- if you knew, would you hate me?”
    No. I wouldn’t hate you.
    Honest.
    Judge you? – Not likely, no. I think judgment is what’s reserved for those who victimized you. What you’re overdue for is mercy and grace.
    You can see I’m right, can’t ya? 🙂

  3. What you did, if I knew, I would never hate or judge you. I would listen to you, and empathize. I would hear you, sit with you. I would offer you understanding and I would tell you it wasn’t your fault. It’s never your fault. However you justified yourself today, you need to listen to that, none of the blame, anger, rage, is yours.
    I’m glad, deep down, that you know it wasn’t your fault. That is amazing, and huge, and good. Hold on to that.

  4. “Be Gentle with yourself”. As always my arms of love are stretching out and circling you with ever lasting and unconditional love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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