Home » My Journey » Selfish. Shame.

Selfish. Shame.

 

Such hate filled me yesterday and that is not me. I am entitled to feel angry, I know that well, but it isn’t me, it isn’t who I am, or who I want to be. It doesn’t end with hate, it cannot be the way through this. I love, it is what I do and what I want to do. I put others before me- I worry endlessly about being selfish.. am I selfish? I love where it isn’t reciprocated, I take the hurt, to protect others. I have sacrificed myself for others, at great cost to myself.. why do I fear I am selfish?

Today, this week.. for the last 15 yrs…I am suffering because of a sacrifice I made. I am deeply ashamed of what I had to do in order to save someone else. I don’t regret that I put her first, I’d do it again if it were the only way..but I hate the way in which I had to do it.

I wasn’t selfish then, I wasn’t capable of that because I knew I didn’t matter. I learned that soon after it began. The one who loved me most and I her too, I’d have died for her that day and in a way I guess I did. And since a thousand deaths I swear, carrying the secrets of how I got us through.

I felt it on Wednesday, on the anniversary of that day, the pain searing through my body, trying to make me face the reality of that day and what I had to do. As I fought that truth, the pain only worsened, filling me with rage, until I could contain it no longer.

And now the dark secret is coming into the light and that deep shame, working its way through me- hopefully on its way out. I cannot think of anyone but myself. It’s a viscous cycle, I am ashamed that I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I am thinking of myself before her. Before anyone. It was her hell, hers and she deserves to be held and loved, and comforted. Protected and kept safe. Hers. Not mine. I cannot claim it as mine too.. but oh this shame, this pain. The horror.

How do I learn to take care of myself without the guilt? How do I put myself first without hating myself for selfishness? Am I selfish? God, if you only knew the things I did, would you even care..

I long for the morning now, for the life and energy of my children. I long for the light, for the comfort that night will never bring.

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Selfish. Shame.

  1. God knows everything (probably wishes He didn’t), but still cares – more than cares – loves us. Frankly, I don’t know how in hell He does it…but I know that He does.
    prayers and well wishes,
    your distant friend,
    Jack

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s